To Hoe Or Not To Hoe...

Lately I’ve been having some very interesting conversations with some of my friends-they are actually quite hilarious to me, especially on this topic-Hoeing. Now I know you are shocked that I, the good girl Stacey would even write this type of blog but I feel that this is a legitimate talking point that got me to thinking. So a couple of my friends, (who of course will remain nameless to protect the innocent :)) tried to get me to believe (and buy into) that all women either have been or should be a hoe at some point in their life. I personally can’t even fathom how that can be, but they gave me straight points like a presentation…it was unreal…I mean at one point they were so deep and persuasive that I found myself swaying my thinking to their side and I had to catch myself and reel myself back in! Perhaps I should back up and say that I am actually pretty old fashioned in that sense and on the other side of the “hoe coin”. I feel like intimacy and sex automatically come with feelings and commitment and togetherness and just more…I mean I don’t think you can be out there just all willy nilly. Let me just also mention that ridiculous double standard that exists between men and women when it comes to sex. A man can have sex with 100 women and no one bats an eyelash, let a woman have sex with 100 men-then she’s loose, a freak, run through, a slut, a HOE (yikes)! Why is it that one has free reign and the other does not?? That’s a debate (along with the hoe debate) that could go on all day but let’s get back to the subject at hand. So here are a few of the key points my friends gave me as to why I (and all women at some point) should hoe:

• Gain more experience
• Build confidence
• Discover what you like and don’t like and what pleases you
• Be in charge of the situation
• Satisfy your urges whenever you need to
• Use it to get out aggression or stay in shape (hilarious)

Now, while these points sound very enticing and can seem to make you think that all would be smooth sailing I begin to come back with points as to why hoeing just may not be the move…

• Sex outside of marriage is a sin (I could stop there but I’ll keep going)
• There are too many diseases out there just to be having sex with folks you don’t know well, even if you do ask them for a copy of their test results before starting
• There are too many babies out there born to folks who don’t like each other, never wanted to be together or claim it was an “accident” leading to too many single parent homes and a whole lot of other issues
• You don’t know who all they’ve been with so then you’ve been with all those people too and the longer the list, the bigger the risk…
• If you take the specialness out of the act by downplaying its importance emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually and water down the intimacy, what’s left for when you find that special person who deserves it?

I’m in no way perfect and I never said I was the last standing virgin but it seems that every since these conversations started I have seen more commercials, sermons and other things about this topic (I think God is trying to tell me something lol). I think a lot more goes into this topic than just sex and whether or not to have it. There can be life changing consequences and people have to be willing to deal with them if they make the wrong choices. Ultimately everyone will make their own decisions but at least now you know both sides of the story..so what do you think-Hoe or Not Hoe???
Feel free to comment with your thoughts on the issue :)

The Communication Of Miscommunication

There have been several things that have happened either to me or around me over the course of the last year, heck, the last month that makes me wonder why it is that after all this time Men and Women still can’t seem to communicate with each other. I know this topic has been talked about in books, magazines, articles, TV shows, etc but I’m still baffled by the stuff that continues to go on. There is this saying that I like to live by “Say what you mean and mean what you say”, sounds simple enough right? I think so, but what do you do when you say what you mean but the other person hears what they want you to say and not what you actually said? You need examples? Ok let me give them to you.

Ex.1: First phone conversation with a dude, we start talking about what I was doing that evening, I say I was going out with some of my girlfriends, he asks me to let him know where we are going so we can meet up. I say cool. Then, he proceeds to say he hasn’t had sex in 7 months and it’s time for him to please a woman so what’s up or if I’m not down I can hook him up with one of my friends…um, what?? How did we get there from me going to the club with the homies??

Ex. 2:
I say: I think you’re cool, I think you’re handsome, you seem like a nice guy, we should hang out, get to know one another better, lets do something together, etc…
He hears: Lets have SEX…
I say: We have a lot of fun together, you seem to have your head on straight, you seem like a trustworthy person who I could introduce to others in my circle would you like to join me at this function/on this trip/at my home, etc…
He hears: We’re gonna have SEX….
We (Women) say: No, I’m not interested or I have a man or you’re not my type
They (Men) hear: CHALLENGE...Try harder
Now, I’m not naïve to the fact that this can also go the other way; I have seen plenty of Women who were wrong about what was being said to them as well…
He says: I think your pretty, you’re cool, we should hang out, get to know one another better, lets hook up sometime, etc…
She hears: I’m gonna pay all your bills, have my baby
He says: We have a lot of fun together, you seem like a good person, come meet my people, come to this work function, etc.
She hears: Let’s get married…

We interrupt this post for a special PSA: People, PLEASE stop having unprotected sex and babies with people you don’t really like, you don’t really know, you don’t wanna be tied to for the rest of your life, you can’t stand, who don’t have good family morals, who’re only out for your money, who you’re gonna fight with all the time, who will be a deadbeat parent, who you only hooked up with cause you were drunk, etc. In the end the child is the one who ends up getting the short end of the stick because of all the foolishness.

Now back to our regularly scheduled blog...

Personally, I think me saying one thing and you hearing another causes a whole lot of issues that could easily be avoided if you actually listened to me. The same could be said for me listening to what is actually said to me, but lets be honest, everyone does not come right out and say everything in a straight to the point way. We’ve all played the beat around the bush game at some point or another in our lives, but in my opinion that just leads to anger, disappointment, heartache or frustration so I would prefer we just say what we want- take it or leave it. You or I may not like it and choose to leave it but at least we didn’t waste each others time. Now let’s be clear, I may be slightly old fashioned when it comes to dating (I prefer to be pursued as opposed to being the pursuer) but one thing I can say for a fact is if I don’t mention sex, then I don’t mean sex and if I do want sex, then I’ll tell you. Point. Blank. Period. So I don’t understand why someone would get mad that they don’t get what they want if that’s not what was discussed. While we’re on the topic of discussion, maybe there needs to be more of it. I mean maybe if people actually opened up and talked about themselves and what they actually thought and wanted as opposed to trying to be so secretive about everything we wouldn’t have this problem. Why do I have to pull teeth to find out information from you, or find out how you feel? Shouldn’t that be a natural part of the “getting to know you process”? I hate, absolutely hate, finding out pivotal information about someone either extremely late in the game, or from someone else. That is an automatic strike and I’m not alone in that, often times that makes it seem like you are trying to hide something which then puts a mark on your credibility and your trustworthiness. What is pivotal you ask? Children, previous marriages or engagements, living with someone (especially your mama), unemployment or if you’ve ever slept with another man. You may think this is over the top but I’m serious, all of these things affect how you would interact with me and I need to know about it. I’m not saying you need to tell me in the first conversation but 6 months should not pass and I still don’t know the answer to those questions…I’m just saying. In fact, I think it’s safe to say that these questions can go both ways for Men and Women and are equally as important to both.

So how do we fix the problems at hand? Some folks say that women are emotional and men are physical-do we all believe that? Maybe. But there are also a lot of non emotional, physical women and emotional men out there as well, trust me. Regardless, this is not about emotions or physical compatibility, this is about communication-talking, sharing, listening and then acting. Once we get that set out of order everything goes haywire and we end up back where we started…at the communication of miscommunication. Are you listening???

*Throwback* The Blacker The Berry The Sweeter The Juice

So Ocassionally I will throw in some of my old blog posts for those who are new to following me and just because I think they are still relevant or "Classics" if you will. These will all be titled *Throwback*and the one below is one of my first ever Blog entries so I felt it only befitting that it also be my first *Throwback*....

"The Blacker the Berry the Sweeter the Juice...."

I seem to have been bamboozled, hoodwinked, led astray, run amuck... (Sorry I saw Malcolm X again yesterday). I thought that the quote of which this is titled was supposed to be true, but oh how wrong I was, at least if you were to look at the current state of my love life (sigh)...I used to hate the fact that I was dark skinned-always being teased about it, and of course there was the perpetual brainwashing by "the man" since the beginning of the middle passage. Then, as I was growing up, my mom used to say that same quote to me all the time to make me feel better about myself and at first I was like “yeah right, you’re lighter than I am so what do you know?”, Then as time moved on my perception of myself went from Black to (say it with me, you all know it….that’s right) CHOCOLATE! I mean, that sounds better right? Everyone likes chocolate right? (Except for Liz cause she’s allergic :)) WRONG!!! However, I have proof that it’s not just me getting the short end of the chocolate stick. Look at videos, movies, TV shows, etc. Next time count how many white, Latino, Asian, and light skinned black girls with long hair and light eyes you see as either main characters, or love interests or the “pretty video girl” and compare that to the number of dark skinned girls you see. If my math is correct, let's see…..That ratio should be about 15 to 1. Not to say that they don’t also deserve some credit but dangit we are cutie pies too. Now let me preface this by saying that most of us women are not just going to take any dude that comes along. I mean I would rather be by myself than put up with the foolishness that is clearly out there on all fronts…hmmm, that my explain why I am by myself…But I digress, unfortunately I have encountered and been approached by some stupid dudes in my life who think that the following statements are compliments: “Hey Black, Come here Black, What’s up Black” (fellas, calling a woman by her color is not good no matter what color she is-just a heads up), “You a pretty dark skinned girl” or my personal unfavorite, “Damn, you fine for a dark skinned girl”, now maybe I have missed it but is there some law written somewhere that says dark skinned people are supposed to be ugly?? Then the minute some guy starts talking to me and gets to know me, and asks a.) Why I don’t have a man, or b.) why somebody hasn’t “wifed” me yet, I could say “Well most guys aren’t ready for a real relationship with someone who will actually be committed to them”, or “Most guys are scared of a girl who could beat them at Basketball, Madden, and Jeopardy, as well as cook a 5 course meal, clean everything in the house, give a bomb massage, put them to sleep and go to work”, or “All the women who independent throw your hands up at meeeay” (you know the song). But instead I take the nice road and say “Dudes don’t want a Chocolate girl”. He then proceeds to debate that all the fellas do indeed want chocolate women like I’m not one and if that were the case based on my credentials the convo would be null and void cause I’d have a man right?? Well, just wanted to get that out, I’m still wondering what the date is when the “Blacker The Berry The Sweeter The Juice” quote will take affect…

If You've Never Been To Detroit...Shut The Hell Up!!

So, most people that know me know that I was born and spent the first part of my life in Detroit and then moved to Ann Arbor. I never liked Ann Arbor (and tried diligently to get my mother to let me move back to Detroit and stay with my Auntie Gwen) so I never claim it and my heart and soul still belongs to the D. In all honesty the only thing I did in Ann Arbor was go to school, play sports and sleep. My Hair Stylist, clubs, some boyfriends, restaurants, family-all still in Detroit-I-94 and I were great friends :). But I digress, Anyway, I'm ride or die for the 313, that means I cheer for the Lions, Pistons (who need to move their butts back into the city like everyone else), Tigers, Red Wings and I used the cheer for the Shock (before they dipped on us) good or bad and I love the good and bad about the city. I was in Tallahassee @ FAMU trying to help talk up Kwame Kilpatrick to my still in Detroit family when he was running for Mayor (before he lost his D@#$ mind), I care about the fate of the Big 3 Auto dealers (a lot of my family has worked for one of them at some point), I care about the neighborhoods, the perception, if downtown gets some traffic (loved when we got the MLB All-Star Game, Stanley Cup, Final Four, Super Bowl and multiple conventions), when new businesses come into the city, when movies and TV shows are shot there (Yes I cheered when we got Four Brothers, Detroit 1-8-7, Transformers 3 and the like) and I especially cheered for this years Chrysler Superbowl Ad and it's "Imported From Detroit" moniker-Genius!!!

What I don't like is what brings me to the title of this post...There are so many jokes, comments and other unnecessary criticisms made about Detroit mostly from people who have never even stepped foot in Wayne County. Do we have our issues? Yes. Are we going through an extremely tough time economically, educationally, politically and environmentally? Yes. Have we been through majority of this stuff before and bounced back? YES. What makes us so much different from other major cities that have had or are having the same issues that we are having but don't have such a negative light being shone on them? Why must Detroit be the punch line of all jokes for problems of great large American cities? I went to a comedy show in LA this week at the Comedy Union and when the comedian was asking where people in the audience were from Detroit came up among other cities and he IMMEDIATELY went in on Detroit and only Detroit " Man, Detroit-ya'll ain't got $h*%, etc" Whoa..I held my tongue because to get into a philosophical debate with him about where HE was from would have killed his set. How is it when some cities go through a crisis they get empathy and compassion (i.e. New York, New Orleans, Joplin, etc) but when Detroit (and Michigan as a whole to be honest) hits a crisis of the fall of its major money maker-the Auto Industry (causing an obscene amount of unemployment and thus plummeting the economy of the whole state and others) and a corrupt mayor all at the same time we get scorn, ridicule and jokes?? Does no one care about the Michigan people who lost their homes or are now struggling to feed their families? What about those who fear that their only hope for survival is crime? How about the students who through no fault of their own don't have a school close to their home to go to anymore? Where is the help and compassion for all of those people?? Did anyone make a Humpty Dumpty joke about the Twin Towers? No. Did anyone make an Under The Sea Joke about New Orleans? No. Did anyone make a Wizard of Oz joke about Joplin? Nope.I'm sick of the B.S. so I tell you what, If you are not helping our situation in Detroit or Michigan-Shut The Hell Up!! If you don't drive an American made car-Shut The Hell Up!! If you don't have an idea that can help Detroit rise from the ashes-Shut The Hell Up!! Most importantly, IF YOU HAVE NEVER EVEN BEEN TO DETROIT, SHUT THE HELL UP!!

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