There have been several things that have happened either to me or around me over the course of the last year, heck, the last month that makes me wonder why it is that after all this time Men and Women still can’t seem to communicate with each other. I know this topic has been talked about in books, magazines, articles, TV shows, etc but I’m still baffled by the stuff that continues to go on. There is this saying that I like to live by “Say what you mean and mean what you say”, sounds simple enough right? I think so, but what do you do when you say what you mean but the other person hears what they want you to say and not what you actually said? You need examples? Ok let me give them to you.
Ex.1: First phone conversation with a dude, we start talking about what I was doing that evening, I say I was going out with some of my girlfriends, he asks me to let him know where we are going so we can meet up. I say cool. Then, he proceeds to say he hasn’t had sex in 7 months and it’s time for him to please a woman so what’s up or if I’m not down I can hook him up with one of my friends…um, what?? How did we get there from me going to the club with the homies??
Ex. 2:
I say: I think you’re cool, I think you’re handsome, you seem like a nice guy, we should hang out, get to know one another better, lets do something together, etc…
He hears: Lets have SEX…
I say: We have a lot of fun together, you seem to have your head on straight, you seem like a trustworthy person who I could introduce to others in my circle would you like to join me at this function/on this trip/at my home, etc…
He hears: We’re gonna have SEX….
We (Women) say: No, I’m not interested or I have a man or you’re not my type
They (Men) hear: CHALLENGE...Try harder
Now, I’m not naïve to the fact that this can also go the other way; I have seen plenty of Women who were wrong about what was being said to them as well…
He says: I think your pretty, you’re cool, we should hang out, get to know one another better, lets hook up sometime, etc…
She hears: I’m gonna pay all your bills, have my baby
He says: We have a lot of fun together, you seem like a good person, come meet my people, come to this work function, etc.
She hears: Let’s get married…
We interrupt this post for a special PSA: People, PLEASE stop having unprotected sex and babies with people you don’t really like, you don’t really know, you don’t wanna be tied to for the rest of your life, you can’t stand, who don’t have good family morals, who’re only out for your money, who you’re gonna fight with all the time, who will be a deadbeat parent, who you only hooked up with cause you were drunk, etc. In the end the child is the one who ends up getting the short end of the stick because of all the foolishness.
Now back to our regularly scheduled blog...
Personally, I think me saying one thing and you hearing another causes a whole lot of issues that could easily be avoided if you actually listened to me. The same could be said for me listening to what is actually said to me, but lets be honest, everyone does not come right out and say everything in a straight to the point way. We’ve all played the beat around the bush game at some point or another in our lives, but in my opinion that just leads to anger, disappointment, heartache or frustration so I would prefer we just say what we want- take it or leave it. You or I may not like it and choose to leave it but at least we didn’t waste each others time. Now let’s be clear, I may be slightly old fashioned when it comes to dating (I prefer to be pursued as opposed to being the pursuer) but one thing I can say for a fact is if I don’t mention sex, then I don’t mean sex and if I do want sex, then I’ll tell you. Point. Blank. Period. So I don’t understand why someone would get mad that they don’t get what they want if that’s not what was discussed. While we’re on the topic of discussion, maybe there needs to be more of it. I mean maybe if people actually opened up and talked about themselves and what they actually thought and wanted as opposed to trying to be so secretive about everything we wouldn’t have this problem. Why do I have to pull teeth to find out information from you, or find out how you feel? Shouldn’t that be a natural part of the “getting to know you process”? I hate, absolutely hate, finding out pivotal information about someone either extremely late in the game, or from someone else. That is an automatic strike and I’m not alone in that, often times that makes it seem like you are trying to hide something which then puts a mark on your credibility and your trustworthiness. What is pivotal you ask? Children, previous marriages or engagements, living with someone (especially your mama), unemployment or if you’ve ever slept with another man. You may think this is over the top but I’m serious, all of these things affect how you would interact with me and I need to know about it. I’m not saying you need to tell me in the first conversation but 6 months should not pass and I still don’t know the answer to those questions…I’m just saying. In fact, I think it’s safe to say that these questions can go both ways for Men and Women and are equally as important to both.
So how do we fix the problems at hand? Some folks say that women are emotional and men are physical-do we all believe that? Maybe. But there are also a lot of non emotional, physical women and emotional men out there as well, trust me. Regardless, this is not about emotions or physical compatibility, this is about communication-talking, sharing, listening and then acting. Once we get that set out of order everything goes haywire and we end up back where we started…at the communication of miscommunication. Are you listening???
Ex.1: First phone conversation with a dude, we start talking about what I was doing that evening, I say I was going out with some of my girlfriends, he asks me to let him know where we are going so we can meet up. I say cool. Then, he proceeds to say he hasn’t had sex in 7 months and it’s time for him to please a woman so what’s up or if I’m not down I can hook him up with one of my friends…um, what?? How did we get there from me going to the club with the homies??
Ex. 2:
I say: I think you’re cool, I think you’re handsome, you seem like a nice guy, we should hang out, get to know one another better, lets do something together, etc…
He hears: Lets have SEX…
I say: We have a lot of fun together, you seem to have your head on straight, you seem like a trustworthy person who I could introduce to others in my circle would you like to join me at this function/on this trip/at my home, etc…
He hears: We’re gonna have SEX….
We (Women) say: No, I’m not interested or I have a man or you’re not my type
They (Men) hear: CHALLENGE...Try harder
Now, I’m not naïve to the fact that this can also go the other way; I have seen plenty of Women who were wrong about what was being said to them as well…
He says: I think your pretty, you’re cool, we should hang out, get to know one another better, lets hook up sometime, etc…
She hears: I’m gonna pay all your bills, have my baby
He says: We have a lot of fun together, you seem like a good person, come meet my people, come to this work function, etc.
She hears: Let’s get married…
We interrupt this post for a special PSA: People, PLEASE stop having unprotected sex and babies with people you don’t really like, you don’t really know, you don’t wanna be tied to for the rest of your life, you can’t stand, who don’t have good family morals, who’re only out for your money, who you’re gonna fight with all the time, who will be a deadbeat parent, who you only hooked up with cause you were drunk, etc. In the end the child is the one who ends up getting the short end of the stick because of all the foolishness.
Now back to our regularly scheduled blog...
Personally, I think me saying one thing and you hearing another causes a whole lot of issues that could easily be avoided if you actually listened to me. The same could be said for me listening to what is actually said to me, but lets be honest, everyone does not come right out and say everything in a straight to the point way. We’ve all played the beat around the bush game at some point or another in our lives, but in my opinion that just leads to anger, disappointment, heartache or frustration so I would prefer we just say what we want- take it or leave it. You or I may not like it and choose to leave it but at least we didn’t waste each others time. Now let’s be clear, I may be slightly old fashioned when it comes to dating (I prefer to be pursued as opposed to being the pursuer) but one thing I can say for a fact is if I don’t mention sex, then I don’t mean sex and if I do want sex, then I’ll tell you. Point. Blank. Period. So I don’t understand why someone would get mad that they don’t get what they want if that’s not what was discussed. While we’re on the topic of discussion, maybe there needs to be more of it. I mean maybe if people actually opened up and talked about themselves and what they actually thought and wanted as opposed to trying to be so secretive about everything we wouldn’t have this problem. Why do I have to pull teeth to find out information from you, or find out how you feel? Shouldn’t that be a natural part of the “getting to know you process”? I hate, absolutely hate, finding out pivotal information about someone either extremely late in the game, or from someone else. That is an automatic strike and I’m not alone in that, often times that makes it seem like you are trying to hide something which then puts a mark on your credibility and your trustworthiness. What is pivotal you ask? Children, previous marriages or engagements, living with someone (especially your mama), unemployment or if you’ve ever slept with another man. You may think this is over the top but I’m serious, all of these things affect how you would interact with me and I need to know about it. I’m not saying you need to tell me in the first conversation but 6 months should not pass and I still don’t know the answer to those questions…I’m just saying. In fact, I think it’s safe to say that these questions can go both ways for Men and Women and are equally as important to both.
So how do we fix the problems at hand? Some folks say that women are emotional and men are physical-do we all believe that? Maybe. But there are also a lot of non emotional, physical women and emotional men out there as well, trust me. Regardless, this is not about emotions or physical compatibility, this is about communication-talking, sharing, listening and then acting. Once we get that set out of order everything goes haywire and we end up back where we started…at the communication of miscommunication. Are you listening???
