Just
so you have a background for where I'm going with this post-there are
3 things that I keep taped to my bathroom mirror at all times:
-Can't
Force Them To See That You're Worth It...But You Are
-Habbakuk
2:3 For
the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and
will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will
certainly come and will not delay.
-The
Poem “Don't Quit” that was laminated and given to me and my sands
when we were on line by my Big Sister and Spec Ligaya (See-I still
use it 8 years later Big Sis :))
I
was inspired to write again because I have been on an emotional
roller coaster the last 11 months that has me so close to the edge
I'm afraid I will fall over. I have to tell you, never in the grand
plan that I had in my head for my life did the terms “Layoff or
Unemployed” ever come up, and as a 34 year old, independent, 2
degree having, good credit carrying, compassionate, loving, friendly,
talented, versatile person I'm having a distinct issue dealing with
exactly where my life is right now. I usually keep things like to
myself because I just don't think everyone needs to know my business
but maybe this mode- which is my normal release will help me in
coming to terms with life as I currently know it. Here was my simple
grand master plan that I laid out for myself as an 18 yr old and
never really wavered from wanting:
- MBA by 23 (happened at 24 but Check!)
- Married by 25 (uhhh...still single..not even a definitive prospect right now smh...)
- First kid by 27, last one (up to 4) by 32 (Do nieces & nephews count? Cause this is a big no as well sadly...)
- A career that I love as the female version of the great Marketing Guru Marcus Graham from Boomerang (yes, that is one of my favorite movies and I was and kind of still am dead set on that job-didn't get where I should have been with this no matter how hard I tried and am currently unemployed which makes it worse)
- A big house to raise my family in that can hold all the entertaining I like to do (still no home ownership in my repertoire-not even a condo-because I keep moving-which I'm tired of doing-especially since NOW I am unemployed after all the moving for WORK!)
- Traveling the world with my husband by 50 (Luckily I still have a chance with this but not with all the children out of the house like I initially planned)
That's
it, not a lot of fluff and stuff, not a lot of selfish famous/lottery
winning grandeur, just a career, a home and a family-so you can see
why I'm a bit disheartened that in what can be summed up as 5 key
points of life I'm at 20% completion...and it's driving me crazy. You
know what they say, the best way to make God laugh is to make
plans-well apparently he is having plenty of giggles up in heaven at
me...
I
say all that to lead me into the title. I have pretty much spent my
entire life trying to prove to everyone that I'm worth
it-educationally, professionally, personally, socially..and I gotta
tell you, it is positively tiring. A recent conversation I had with
my mother had me truly admitting a long standing feeling that I try
to keep under wraps-I feel like a failure. No one has called me one
and the few I have told have told me in no uncertain terms that I'm
not a failure but I really feel like it right now. Bad I know-now I'm
just trying to figure out how to get past it. For those who may not
know, I grew up in a single parent home and I was and still am
affected by the fact that my Father had PLENTY of opportunity (put it
like this, I was around his side of the family and his younger
brother had me so much as a baby/kid folks thought I was Uncle Ray's)
to be active in my life and CHOSE not to be-until recently..as in,
the last 6-7 years (remember I'm 34 so by the time he started, all
the work and/or damage had been done) and from a mental standpoint,
that can really eff you up. I mean, if the man who is supposed to
support, care for and love me first and moreso than any other man on
this earth didn't feel like I was worth the time, money and effort it
took to step up and be there what would make me think someone else
would? I was blessed to have a VERY strong, God-fearing and
supportive Mother who has instilled a sense of confidence, pride, independence and self-worth in me that helps me cope with that and
know that I am in fact worth it.
However,
on the flip side-it causes me to pretty much stand firm on not taking
any shit (sorry mom) from another dude. Hence, “Can't Force Them To
See That You're Worth It...But You Are” I know that I AM WORTH the
mutual quality time, effort to plan a date, money, respect, feelings,
partnership and whatever else it takes for a guy to be with me and
I'm confident enough in myself to walk away if our
association/friendship/relationship is not mutually beneficial. Maybe
that's why I'm still single, but I respect myself enough not to just
take anything-especially since what I ask for I'm actually willing to
give in return. I often get tired of having to deal with people who
are selfish and only care about what they want and when and how they
want it. Why is it so hard for folks to follow through, compromise
and do what they say they are gonna do? If you tell me you are gonna
call in the morning-then call in the morning or at least shoot me a
note to update me if that's not possible. If you say you are gonna do
something-then do it, not gloss over it later when you HAVEN'T done
it. Trust me folks, that type of stuff is annoying and will get on
folks nerves quick and if your positives don't outweigh these
negatives then it's probably the deuces being chucked...because I'm
worth it whether you recognize and acknowledge it or not.
I
know that I AM WORTH the great jobs and positions, the promotions,
the salary and everything else I'm looking for in terms of a
career-even if it's not going the way I want it right now. But,
currently this is probably my biggest personal issue because
unfortunately with all my emotions being out of whack (because
everything just seems so to be all happening at once)-every rejection
I get from all these applications and interviews I have been doing
takes me back to the rejection feeling I had daily growing up without
my Father and some days it just erases every feeling of self worth I
had gained after my adolescent years til now. It's hard to explain to
someone who may have never been there, but imagine hearing everyday
that you are not good enough for what you want -(whatever that may
be) consistently for 10 months...everyday. Yeah, that's where I am.
I
AM WORTH all that I want in life and though I may struggle with what
I don't currently have, I do have the faith to know that things will
work out for my good and that what I DO have is a tremendous amount
of talent, versatility, imagination and drive. I DO have a group of
family, friends and sorors who are willing to help out even without
me asking. What I DO have is a giving heart, a natural ability to
help others, compassion, an abundance of love to give and a romantic
nature (for my future boo ;-)). What I DO have is a mind full of
dreams and a desire to see them come true.
While
you can't force someone to love you, like you, help you, want you or
see that you are worth it-as long as you do those things for yourself
and know without a doubt that you are worth it then everything else
should be fine...
Can't
Force Them To See That You're Worth It...But You Are!
