I have a confession to make-it may come
as a shock to some, some may have had a suspicion about it, some may
have even known for sure, but for the last 10 months or so I have
been living with someone.
That’s right, I’ve been shacked up
with a stranger who ironically, was a doppelganger. It looked,
walked, talked like me-but wasn’t me-at least not really.
I was having dinner with my Father and
Step-Mother who happened to be in town a week ago and in the course
of him catching up on my life and how I was doing, I shared a few
stories of some people that had come in and out of my life recently
(and their various shenanigans or egregious errors), my
reactions/actions to them and my feelings about it, and while talking
I had to stop and think for a second, then after a light bulb moment
I clearly said to him-“I haven’t been myself..they haven’t seen
the real Stacey”. Funny thing is, he said-“I know they haven’t”.
Now, for those that may not know, my Father hasn’t always been
around and clearly doesn’t know me as well as Mommy (Hi CF ;-) ),
but if this dude can cosign my statement, I really need to take a
step back and figure out what the problem is and quickly.
I know you may be wondering what I mean
by not being myself and folks not meeting the real me-let me clarify
for you. I am usually a very intelligent, observant, perceptive,
strong willed, extremely independent (sometimes to my mother’s
dismay), make it happen, take no sh*t, yet still be sweet, funny, fun
and caring type of person. However, the effects of the past 11 months
of unemployment and all that have come with that as well as some
other somewhat recent experiences (See the Can’t Force Them, Living
Behind the Mask, Hating The Game and Intention vs Actions posts on
this blog) have weighed heavily on my mind, heart and spirit-and
dealing with all the emotions and thoughts and such that go along
with that has allowed some folks to get away with what I’d call
MURDER and BS (in the world of Stacey). For real, the stuff that
normally would have gotten a person cut from my life quick, or at the
very least, told about themselves in no uncertain terms-slid below
the radar and went unchecked. That’s my fault. Note, I didn’t say
I didn’t notice it, or didn’t think that it happened-I said it
went unchecked-a definite clue that I was trippin’. As a truth
moment here-It’s my fault because I was so preoccupied with making
it day to day and looking for things/people to help me take my mind
off my situation that I let folks who didn’t put in the right
amount of effort get perks they didn’t earn. I let dudes share my
time and get feelings built up when they were in fact selfish in
their actions, spoke words that didn’t match their actual actions
and only really cared about themselves and what THEY wanted, when,
how and where they wanted it. Folks who only cared about their
pleasure and happiness and to hell with mine (they would probably
deny it, but actions speak louder than words boo). I actually let
folks slide (somewhat-I wasn’t all the way gone) in making plans or
promises and not following through, not calling or returning phone
calls for days (who does that if they are actually as interested as
they say??!?) and other stupid things folks do when we don’t check
the bad actions immediately. In hindsight, I can look back now and
say “What the hell was I thinking?” I’m not gonna take all the
blame cause some of these folks need to do better and they know it
whether they want to admit it or not, but I have never been one to
not be accountable for my part in a situation so I’ll take that.
The 3 pictures on this post I have come across in the last 2 days,
further proof that God is saying-get it together girl!
Step 1 is to
acknowledge, Step 2 is to correct. So to some folks pleasure and
others dismay, it’s time for me to get back to me-the real me, the
one who knows her worth and won’t let circumstances take her
outside of her character. The one who will tell folks when they are
wrong or just stop dealing with them altogether if they can’t step
up to the plate. The one who will see things for what they are and
not what I want them to be-even if I have fun in the meantime. The
one who is still fine with dreaming about what I want in life and
believing that it will happen (marriage, kids, travel, great career,
house, non-profit organization, etc.). The one who is willing to cut
folks out of my life if they bring more stress than relief. The one
who expects mutually beneficial relationships on any level
(professional, personal, friendship, etc.). Finally, the one who
loves me enough to not take sh*t I don’t deserve from people just
because they are a distraction from life as I currently know it.
So with that being said-allow me to
introduce myself…My name is (no not Hov, even though I do think in
rhythm and songs :-) ) Stacey….and I’m back……Be Right or Be
Gone…
Peace.
IG and Twitter: @Frommysoapbox
