In life, certain people have to always be the one who has it
all together. The one who always gets the people together, the one who goes the
extra mile to get the job done, the one who has to call first, text first, send
a card first, say I love you first, the one who reaches out the helping hand, lends
a shoulder, listens to the problems and issues and tries to correct it, the one
who has to help support those they know and love mentally, physically,
financially, spiritually, emotionally. We have to be strong when people hurt
our feelings or disappoint us, or treat us like whatever we do is never gonna
be enough, or make light of something we think is a big deal, or better yet-tell
US how we should feel if we have a problem with something. As a side note,
don’t tell me that I should get over something if it hurt me deeply and you
have NEVER experienced it or walked a mile in my shoes. On the flip side, don’t
make me feel like my problems aren’t as big or important as yours just because
they aren’t the same. In either case I’m going to give you the biggest Maxine
Waters side eye I can muster.
You got issues, I got issues, sometimes a person has more
issues than others but the key is-I’m trying to help you deal with yours, are
you trying to help me with mine?
I’m guilty- I have a habit of saying “It’s OK or I’m OK” when often
it’s so and I’m so NOT OK.
Life and society push the “you gotta be strong” and “you
can’t show weakness or hurt or emotions” narrative so much that many of us just
get so comfortable putting on the smiley face for everyone like nothing fazes
us. We use this false strength as a shield of the utter disappointments and
brokenness we feel inside. Worse yet, we often use this smile and nod face and
“It’s/I’m Ok” statement to look out for OTHER folks feelings even when it’s
clear they give zero fu#ks about ours. The kicker to all of this is that I’m a
Pisces-I’m not super big on astrology, but to my understanding, our very nature
is to be caring, creative, a dreamer and EMOTIONAL-I suppress those emotions in
a lot of instances, be it the hurt and tears I keep back or the hurricane like
anger I can unleash if pushed far enough..I keep it all inside. Because-other people’s
feelings.
I don’t want to have to change who I am because of other
people or because folks can’t handle their own bullshit. I don’t want to have
to stop being the loving, caring, unselfish, comedic, friendly, intelligent,
talented person God and my Momma made me to be because I can’t let other people
see what the real deal is. Being everyone else’s strength is a heavy weight,
nowadays I’m wondering if I have enough left to be my own.
I want it to be OK to
NOT be OK. Cause honestly, sometimes I’m just not. I get my feelings hurt, I
feel used, I get taken for granted, I offer 100% and get 50% in return and that
shit HURTS…like it SUCKS! I need it to be OK to say that. I need it to be OK to
cry and not feel bad that I am. They say what goes around comes around, well
what about when you don’t send something around and it comes your way anyway like the examples below??
I said it was OK but I’m not OK about the fact that you come
into town and can make time to see everyone else BUT me…even folks I remember
you telling me you couldn’t stand at one point..
You want me to be OK with the fact that you travel all over
the place at the drop of a hat and know I love to travel, but couldn’t take a
trip with me? Even one that’s paid for by my company that I invited you on? Or
that you said you had a ticket to come to town for an event and because you had
an argument with a person who was NOT me, you’d rather waste money and not come
than just come to see me (which you said you were doing anyway??) Nah-not Ok. I’m
sure you’ve learned that by now by my non-reaction.
You want me to smile and nod that you still communicate with
not one but TWO of your exes (circumstances mitigate the necessity for the 1st,
the 2nd-nope) but if I so much as mention another dude name you
lightweight in your feelings? I said I’m Ok-I’m not.
I said I was OK watching everyone around me get the things
I’ve been wanting and dreaming about since High School...I’m not OK...it’s hard
trying to always appear stronger than I feel. I’m genuinely happy for everyone
and THEIR happiness but honestly, this point often makes me feel like somewhat
of a failure. Why them and not me?
You want me to be OK with the fact that when we were
together you acted like you didn’t have the time, and definitely didn’t put
forth the effort I did, but as soon as you feel that I’ve moved on you want to
come with the “heartfelt” declarations, quasi emotions and too late suggestions
of a redo? NOT OK.
I should be OK that you threw money like rice with your exes
but when it comes to me you want to be frugal/halfsies/dutch? Not that I’m a gold digger but as if I don’t
deserve the same level of care, attention and willingness to go above and
beyond-All the NOPES that ever NOPED in NOPELAND- I’m NOT OK. That’s actually a
slap in the face.
When is it ok to let the strength go? Can I just break down
and not be looked at like a weakling- Like I can’t handle life? Like a human
who has feelings and emotions and thoughts and a heart? Can it really be OK to
NOT be OK? The buildup and eventual
spill over or explosion from taking everything everyone throws at me, holding
it all in and not having a release could be detrimental to not just me but
those around me…I just feel like there’s only so many punches and blows
(definitely not literally, y’all know I don’t get down like that),
disappointments, heartbreaks and points of being overlooked, underappreciated
and taken for granted a person can take while trying to keep the façade of
being OK up before it cracks-and falls to the ground.
I’m tired…and I need it to be OK to NOT be OK…
Peace.
