When The Dreamer Stops Dreaming

Dreams. Many of us have them. They are what drive most of us to get out of bed, to push forward daily, drive us to do what we have to do in order to do what we want to do. Dreams keep us alive, keep us young, keep us from going insane. Dreams are at the very core of our being, especially mine-the biggest dreamer of them all, in color ☺. But what happens when the dreamer STOPS dreaming?

Some folks know, most don’t know, that I am an avid lover of poetry. I read it, I write it. I even started competing in it in High School and won money and trips to compete on a national stage I might add ☺. My favorites? Nikki Giovanni and Langston Hughes. My man Langston has a poem entitled “Harlem” that keeps running through my head, probably because of its first line (and ironically what most people think the name of the poem is):

“Harlem” By Langston Hughes

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up

Like a raisin in the sun?

Or fester like a sore-

And then run?

Does it stink like rotten meat?

Or crust and sugar over-

Like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags

Like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

That dream deferred part is the killer for me. It’s hard for me as a dreamer to keep having dreams that don’t seem to ever come true. I’m finding that maybe it would be easier and less disheartening to just stop dreaming. Now let me at least start off by saying that I’m not in no way, shape or form implying that I am not grateful for my blessings or that I have not gotten any of my dreams. I mean I am gainfully employed, financially stable, achieved receiving my MBA by 24, for the most part healthy, have some good people in my life and have been able to travel to more places and done some things that some folks I know can’t even imagine. But honestly, sometimes dreams have nothing to do with money, status or material things. The dreams I have for my life don’t really have anything to do so much with the external as with the internal. Right now I dream for peace within, that’s my most fervent prayer and what I’m striving for each day. I actually foolishly dreamed that I would meet the man of my dreams and get married and have a family-not looking good right now. I dreamed that I’d fully know and walk in my purpose, honestly no matter how much I pray about it-I still feel lost. I dreamed that by now I’d be in such a different place in most aspects of my life and I’m struggling to grasp how to deal with that. It’s almost like I have force myself to NOT think about those dreams because I don’t want to get depressed. I feel like I’m just existing and I don’t know how to get out.  Shoot I even was a crazy fool to think that I could have the fairytale dream where my first love and I could reconnect and fall back in love and have a happy ending (especially since I never really stopped loving him even though we hadn’t seen each other in YEARS-I’m a sap like that)-I was in, he said he was but I’m thinking he clearly wasn’t because it ended like it did the first time-where I gave 100% and he gave up-with no explanation, AGAIN. Now that one really hurt- both times, cause again, I’m a sap like that (oh, btw, my 2 Sides, Same Story writing partner and homeboy Marlon doesn’t know if yet, but there is another 2SSS blog coming about that ☺). Hold up, let’s pause there for a second-people, we grown, please for all of us, learn how to at least talk through situations. If it doesn’t work then fine, but disappearing acts with no conversation and/or closure is not the move in your 30’s (or 20’s or 40’s or 50’s-you get the point). But I digress, moving on.

I’m a multi-tasker, I’m actually very good at it, I can handle a lot of things at once, usually pretty efficiently, it’s one of my strengths. I don’t have to sacrifice everything else in life in order to try and achieve my dreams. I honestly believe that sometimes you actually NEED others to help you achieve your dreams, so you can’t only focus on one thing to the absolute exclusion of everything else because like that old scene in mahogany, “success is nothing if you have no one to share it with”. With that being said, how do you handle feeling like there is no one that cares about your dreams? Or that understands the pain you feel about them not coming true? There have been so many times when I have asked others about their dreams and they didn’t feel the need to even inquire about mine. Sometimes that has hurt me, other times it’s been to my benefit because as I stated, in my lost state I didn’t even know what to say- or how to say I don’t even want to dream anymore because I’m tired of being disappointed. 

I’m a Pisces-the full blown epitome of a dreamer lol, my imagination is off the charts. I can come up with the most ridiculous scenarios and scenes in my head. Perhaps it’s how I fell into poetry and now writing. I’m artistic and love things like music, plays, movies, painting (on canvas), acting, dancing-things that let me get away from the cares of this world. Also probably why I love to travel. If I’m honest with you and myself, I don’t know if I want to dream anymore but I’m even more scared about who I’ll be if I stop.

Peace. 

Déjà Vu...A Woman’s Worth

You ever feel like you are waking up in that movie groundhog’s day? You know, the one where the guy keeps living the same day over and over again and he can’t quite figure out why? Then, one of the days he gets a sudden light bulb that “hey, maybe I’m supposed to be learning something from this and should probably do some things differently today”. Once he does and learns his lesson he wakes up to a different day and all is well, credits roll, la di da, blah, blah, blah.

Well, sometimes life imitates art and God will keep putting stuff in front of you until you get it and take a different approach, or learn your lesson or learn to depend solely on him for the answer as opposed to trying to make something be what you WANT the answer to be. I have to admit I’m kinda sick of the situation he keeps putting me in. It’s hard. It’s sad. It’s hurtful. It’s draining. Most importantly, it’s starting to change who I am –which is not good. I can feel the inner beast rising up and looking to take over and that’s not my normal nature. I don’t want to walk around with a hard and bitter shell all the time because people don’t know how to appreciate the good person that I am. And I’m not just talking about male/female relationships either-I’m talking everybody-this can include homies, family members, work associates, Sorors, whomever. I mean listen, I’m not making this stuff up. Seriously, if I take the time to reach out and try to keep the communication tight, ask about your life or dreams or what’s going on, call you, email you, text you, try to visit you, come up with well thought out, meaningfully worded emails/texts/voicemails and you come back with punk ass one line responses hours later-or no response at all- how am I supposed to take that? If you want to get in your feelings and be hypocritical about how I’m not reaching out to you (which is a lie) but you aren’t reaching out to me then what am I supposed to think? When the ridiculousness of your thought process is proven by my stopping being the initiator of the contact and then we don’t communicate AT ALL anymore (because clearly you don’t care enough to- heaven forbid, reach out to me), then what am I supposed to think? The crazy part of all of this is-it didn’t used to be this way, which makes me wonder what changed? Was it me? Or was it you?

THIS IS A WORD HERE! 

All these examples mean I better learn my lesson and fast cause you know what?  PEOPLE. GOT. ME. FU@#$D. UP. Whew, I’m sure that is not the translation the Lord God Almighty would use but that’s essentially what it boils down to. I mean, how else would you explain my consistently coming across people who seem to want to take my sweet and caring nature for granted and who want to throw my love/friendship/loyalty back in my face or heaven forbid –be so selfish to only care about THEIR feelings, dreams and wants and give ZERO f#%$s about mine? Considering I keep running into that even from the absolute LAST guy on earth I expected to get that from, all I can come up with is that I handled it incorrectly previously (or perhaps am still handling it incorrectly) and need to redirect-so, roger that.

One of my male compadres that I work with (he’s like my big brother at work) asked me a very cogent question the other day- “what is that these people have over me that makes me hang on so long and that allows their actions to hurt me so much”? My answer was quick. I’m loyal. If I’m being honest with myself, I’m loyal to a fault, and it was at that moment that I had my light bulb-I realized that I had been giving someone else who was going through something the advice that I should have been giving my doggone self: 

MAN LISTEN..

My best friend had been told me that I’m too nice and give folks waaay too much leeway. She’s also pointed out some folks shenanigans early on before, but I let some people ride, cause, that’s me –ride or die Stace- and well, let’s just say that doesn’t always work in my favor, especially when it’s clear folks ain’t doing the same for me. It’s hard to fight for something when you’re the only one who cares if it succeeds. Can’t force someone to want something as much as you do so –I’ve slowly learned when to say OK and just let it be. Another homegirl recently said to me that we have to change our behavior before we see different results-amazing how God keeps putting big neon signs in my face. Sad part is all of this makes it just a little bit harder for the next person, but since I don’t believe in making people pay for others mistakes, I won’t become a totally shut down hard case who automatically assumes that a person has negative intentions. I’ll just be more cautious. Hello new day!

WE BOTH PREACHING! 

One thing I know for sure, is my worth. I know that if I am giving you 100%, I for damn sure expect 100% in return. I shouldn’t have to force you to see that I’m worth the time, attention, effort, money, feelings, love, sacrifice, WHATEVER-and I’m not going to. My value doesn’t decrease by your inability to see it. The right people come into your life and STAY, even when things are rough, even when you disagree. They don’t stop talking to you cause you don’t do things the way they want or when they want or because you say something they don’t like. They aren’t looking for something to be wrong. They take you for who you are and LOVE you anyway, because loyalty matters. Feelings matter. Life has a funny way of teaching us lessons whether we want to learn them or not-it’s up to us on how many times it takes us to get it before we can move on to the next. I think I finally got it, it took enough heartbreak and tears to finally just realize that as hard as it is, you can’t hold on to something that doesn’t want to be held on to and you gotta let it go. When it’s real, BOTH of you will fight for it, BOTH of you will want it, BOTH of you will not let petty issues get in the way and the communication will be solid. Strong foundations can’t be shaken and what you are built on can make or break you. Choose and build wisely.

Peace.

CHURCH.