Fairy Tales

I need an escape sometimes. I love to read, it’s one of my favorite ways to unwind and escape reality. Between reading, music and traveling most of my life revolves around one of the 3 when I have any free time (sometimes when I don’t really have free time but I make it work 😊). In my lifetime I have read thousands of books, there have even been times when I’ve read 1 in full in a day. I mostly read fiction (hence the escape part) and prefer action, suspense/thriller, mystery and my absolute favorite – romance.

As life has gone on, I think my love of romance novels has jaded my sense of love and expectations and set me up for failure. As crazy as it seems, I like to read these novels because I know they will have a happy ending. Something which has eluded me thus far.  I know that no matter how big of a fight the characters get in, how their story starts, how obstacles may get in the way of their love, how other folks (past or present) may try to intervene, distance, how life’s responsibilities will come up, how miscommunication and disagreements can derail the path to everlasting love they are on – the story will ultimately have a happy ending. That’s not always true in real life. I didn't say it was impossible to have a happy ending, I just gotta get out of the thought process that every situation I go into will. Will save a lot of disappointment and make me even more surprised when it happens. It’s no secret that I’m a ridiculously huge romantic. If folks are paying attention, they can see it in the music I listen to, the books I read, the movies I love, the blogs I write, the way I talk, the way I move, the wants I express, the fact that my top 2 love languages are quality time and physical touch. I think another big reason I love romance novels is because I transport myself into the story as the female character to, “in a fantasy”, live out all the things I actually want in real life. The everyday romantic gestures like flowers, meals with my man, date nights or being sent my favorite things by surprise. Being whisked away on domestic or international trips to experience new things and places, and of course, make love in beautiful settings (*close your eyes mom*). Having fun doing regular degular things like grabbing ice cream and walking in the park, going to the movies, doing anything competitive (sports, pool, bowling, mini golf, etc.). Grand gestures expressing feelings and love. Feeling like I’m the most beautiful person in the world in their eyes (and having them tell me). Dancing under the moonlight, getting glammed up for some fancy event and being showstoppers when we walk in together. Someone who can’t wait to talk to me or see me every day and does everything in their power to make that happen. The ease of the vibe, cuddling on the couch watching a movie or our favorite show, being told I’m a priority in their life and backing it up in how they treat me. Having the romantic proposal and beautiful wedding, and finally the family that we grow and love together. Ultimately, someone willing to fight for the love we have and who wants the happy ending just as bad as I do. However, as I said, life is not a fairytale and unfortunately when I put the book down reality comes back into play. Some of the things from the novels may be in play in my life but the full story has yet to be written and may not exactly look like what I’ve read. I have to be ok with that.

Anita Baker wrote a song that is the title of this blog (you can hear the song below), and the lyrics actually back up what I’m saying. Crazy how that works huh 😉? My mom loves AB so I definitely heard her songs growing up and it immediately came to mind when these feelings came to the forefront of my mind. Here is a snippet:

Fairy Tales – Anita Baker (1990)

I can remember stories, those things my mother said
She told me fairy tales, before I went to bed
She spoke of happy endings, then tucked me in real tight
She turned my night light on, and kissed my face good night
My mind would fill with visions, of perfect paradise
She told me everything, she said he'd be so nice
He'd ride up on his horse and, take me away one night
I'd be so happy with him, we'd ride clean out of sight
She never said that we would, curse, cry and scream and lie
She never said that maybe, someday he'd say goodbye

The story ends, as stories do
Reality steps into view
No longer living life in paradise - of fairy tales - uh
No, uh - huh - mmm - mmm

I know everyone has their own escapes, dreams, fantasies and desires and I hope they come true.

Peace.

Dear Mama

 

Mother’s Day is one of the hardest times of the year for me. I cry a lot around it, usually before, during and after. I just don’t let people see me do it. No, it’s not because my mother is no longer here – my homie “Shorty do wop”, Mom, Mommy, Mother, Ma, Mama, CFulg is still alive and kicking (and still owes me an Easter basket or won’t get a MD gift 😁, just kidding). It's because I'm not one. So, I just smile and celebrate those who are, like all the pics, send the gifts, cards, texts and phone calls and stay home versus going out to eat - praying I don't breakdown in front of anybody who may see me. 

I’ve never mentioned this burden or my tears to anyone (until today), not my mother, my best friends, my family, nobody. However, it’s become too heavy to carry and too hard to continue to bury under smiles and laughs. Honestly, I thought that by this age and point in my life I would have been a mother (multiple times if I had my wishes), and each year that goes by and that still isn’t the case, the weight of it gets heavier. It makes me wonder what is wrong with me, why can’t I have my dreams come true (and others can), why am I not good enough for someone to love enough to marry and start a family. THOSE thoughts, more than anything, are what weighs like an anchor around my neck and heart. I don’t even have godchildren and the thought that no matter how smart, funny, compassionate, God-fearing, ethical, responsible, hardworking, budget conscious or loving I am, all the people closest to me – friends/family, don’t think I’m worthy or good enough to step in and take care of those closest to them as if they were my own, should something happen to them, is basically the final dagger in my heart.

Now you have some people who may say “well why don’t you just have/adopt/artificially inseminate one”? I thought of that, even looked into all of those (including at one point having a backup plan with someone to have a baby if we didn’t have one by a certain age – he got married, so plan deleted 😞). While folks think it’s that easy, it’s not. It’s not as simple as saying it and snapping your fingers and bam – a child appears. No one who says that wants to get into the weeds about the cost, emotional, mental and physical issues that come with it or even usually have a full-blown conversation with me about why I feel the way I feel about wanting to have a child the old fashioned way, made out of love. That’s not to say I have closed off the options of adoption/AI/IVF/surrogacy. I just want to get to a place where someone loves me enough to want to do it naturally and take care of the child TOGETHER.  No one has asked about how I tried my best to make sure I broke the single parent household curse that seems to plague major parts of my family. No one has asked why I spent most of my adult life celibate because I was trying to be responsible and wait for the prince charming who was never coming. No one asks me about how my father not being around in my formative years and what that did to me mentally and emotionally (though we are in a great place now in my later years), has a significant effect on my thoughts about not being selfish with my own wants and raising a child without a father in the picture (like with adoption or AI). I know having a child has costs attached. I also know that it’s easier to budget for monthly costs or make arrangements that work than to have 10’s of thousands of dollars just sitting in an account that need to be paid at once for things like egg freezing, adoption and AI. I also know that my age puts me in a realm of impossibility (in the natural), but I believe in a God that works in the SUPERNATURAL. None of these things stop my feelings from being what they are, my current situation from being what it is, or my wants and dreams from being just as important to me. I know what comes with wanting to be a mother and hopefully one day I’ll have the ability to show the world (and those closest to me) that I will be damned good at it.

Peace.