Remembering Love...

My best friend is getting married!! (Marriages and babies popping up all around me-I don’t know whether to be happy for them (which I am) or sad for me, but I digress) All the excitement of what is to come and getting to be a part of her special day next year got me to reminiscing on some past people and experiences (I’m giving sly shoutouts as you will see)-some evoked love from me, others strong like J. I went to the archives and also included a poem I wrote WAAAAYYY back in my freshman year of college (1998) “Go Deep” (what I can remember at least-the actual poem is on a 3.5 disk-that’s how old it is!!). I performed it during Delta Week 1999 at their Crème De la Crème event and got all kinds of snaps lol…hope you enjoy cause I see I’m still looking for now what I was looking for then…

The other day one of my favorite movies was on TV...Love Jones. In that movie we all got to the opportunity to become obsessed with open mic night, poetry, a man’s intentional and successful pursuit of a woman and of course a little humor and romance :-). One of my favorite quotes (besides the Blues For Nina Poem) is from the end of the movie:
Nina Mosley: You always want what you want when you want it. Why is everything so urgent with you?

Darius Lovehall: Let me tell you somethin'. This here, right now, at this very moment, is all that matters to me. I love you. That's urgent like a motherfucker.

Whew! I'm dropping the mic and swooning right there...a man not afraid to put it all out there, wear his heart on his sleeve and express his feelings-can we go back to the days when that was cool??

Most folks know (or should have figured out) that I am a HUGE romantic. I mean that stuff drives me daily. I read romance novels, I daydream about romantic encounters, I like cuddling, slow dancing, dudes playing in my hair, me rubbing their heads while they lay in my lap, holding hands, massages, laughing, touching while we sleep, walks in the park or along the beach, listening to music, candlelight, going on real dates, meeting each other’s friends and family, long tight hugs, kisses for no reason, flowers-just because, compliments, watching movies together, chivalry-opening doors, walking by the curb, standing when I leave a table, helping me up and down stairs, hand at the small of my  back while leading me somewhere, being protective and aware of the surroundings in public (well done on the chivalry thing RH), anything and everything in this arena- I just love Love/Romance J.

Watching that movie got me reminiscing about past experiences, my first love and all the things that have touched me deep. I know, I know, I'm supposed to be tough girl Stace but I am a mush sometimes lol. Unfortunately, most of these end in heartbreak for me (considering I'm still single) but I'm not focusing on the negative in this post, ironically I'm still cool with most of the folks who impacted me.

 I still have pretty much every well thought out gift/card/letter/memory, etc. that I felt truly touched my heart (not everything makes the cut)...

•  The card that my boyfriend bought and wrote his own poem in, then gave to my best friend who went to church with him to give to me (we went to different schools) from the 7th grade...I still have that. (Go LT-who I haven’t seen in forever!)
• The basketball my first real love gave me because he knew how much I loved playing Basketball (and we played on some dates) my freshman year at FAMU back in 1998...I still have that. The herringbone necklace he bought me back then so I would always think of him, (cause they were in style)... I still have that. The way he would call just to check on me and let me know he was thinking about me, the walks we took around Lake Ella and how we would just talk (because I like being by water), how we would slow dance whenever, just spontaneously-to music on the radio, sometimes to no music at all-maybe him singing sometimes J, how we would play wrestle at the drop of a dime (and sometimes he would let me win), the nicknames he had for me, how he would hold my hand while he drove and give unexpected kisses at stoplights, how he would make a point to take me places to see the sunset or hear a waterfall or river flow in the dark, and finally how he planned, paid for and executed a trip to the ocean for me because at the time I had never been to one…he helped me experience a lot of firsts, I still recall every detail and memory of our time together-good and bad (Shoutout to FS Jr wherever he may be-my first love and my first heartbreak)
• The tapes (yes tapes) that another guy I dated mailed me full of love songs and the corresponding letter he sent expressing his feelings (using every song title on the tapes) from my sophomore year at FAMU back in 1999...I still have that...I still remember this same guy picking me up from the airport when I came to visit him and having a surprise mini scavenger hunt ready for me that ended up including all of my favorite things including the video LOVE JONES for us to watch (I kid you not, he did the damn thing)…(that was dope AWF!!)
• The Postcard from Germany and letter with a poem that my old boo (who is half German) sent me when he went home one summer back in 2000…I still have that (Guardian Angels hold on to stuff MLS)

I still have memories of all the guys that didn’t want to go a single day without seeing or talking to me (or I them), the hours spent on the phone or in person just talking and enjoying being in each other’s company on a regular basis. Gentle forehead or cheek kisses, my blushing smiles, the way folks made me feel like I was important and a priority in their life, the acceleration of my heartbeat when I saw that it was them who was calling, or when I opened to the door and they were standing there. I remember feeling like I was walking on cloud 9, I hear songs on the radio and am immediately transported back to key moments in time, remembering who evoked the smile and feelings that have seemed so hard to grasp as years have gone on…

I am remembering…LOVE.

Peace.

Go Deep         By Stacey F (circa 1998)

Excuse me, can I talk to you for a minute?

You really need to know the truth,

For the past few hours my hearts been skipping,

Because I’ve clearly been watching you.

The way you move, the way you walk,

Your gorgeous smile, your sexy talk,

You’ve really got my attention,

So now my intentions are to get to know the real you.

A walk down the street, hand in hand,

To know your true feelings is all I demand,

No time for games, no time for toys,

Cause now is the time to separate the men from the boys.

Your soul is fine, your heart is sweet

Love is what I’m trying to find,

Can you go that deep?

One touch from your hand can make my heart stop,

One kiss from your lips can make my soul drop,

When I look in your eyes, I try to decide,

Whether to show or hide my feelings inside.

I need someone loyal and faithful,

Someone to always be down for me

So now the question lies on you my sweet,

Do you want to go that deep? 

The Test in Testimony...

Psalm 30:1-5 King James Version (KJV)

1 I will extol thee, O Lord; for thou hast lifted me up, and hast not made my foes to rejoice over me.

2 O Lord my God, I cried unto thee, and thou hast healed me.

3 O Lord, thou hast brought up my soul from the grave: thou hast kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.

4 Sing unto the Lord, O ye saints of his, and give thanks at the remembrance of his holiness.

5 For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

I need to take a moment to go against my normal M.O. and be fully transparent here-As I reflect on the last year and a half of my life, the above bolded scripture just came to mind for me as the absolute best way to start this blog. Why? Because I have had so many nights (and days for that matter) of crying over the past year and a half that there is no other way to explain my feelings. A few of my past blogs gave brief glimpses into what I was going through because I use writing as a way to purge my feelings (See: I am Janay Rice...Sort of, Getting Back To Me and Can’t Force Them To See That You’re Worth It) but this is all encompassing. In all honesty I felt like everything was hitting me all at once, some of the stuff no one even knew about (until now)…it’s hard enough to deal with things one at a time but what do you do when you feel like the world is against you? Professional struggles, mental, emotional, physical and spiritual struggles, doubt in myself, my abilities, my looks and even my worth all had me, I believe, on the brink of depression (I don’t think I went all the way into it but I never saw anyone so who knows). However, I know that it has been the blessings and favor of God and him seeing fit to put my mother and certain other people in my life that sustained me for the past 18 months. None of the people I will mention ever do anything for praise or applause, but because they are just naturally good people and I can’t even begin to describe what they did for me individually (I don’t want to put all their business in the street) but sometimes people just go so far and above what they have to do that you have no choice but to publicly express your gratitude for them and let them know how much they are appreciated. The biggest blessing is that some of the people I will mention I actually met within the last 2 years (or less)! I think without certain people I may have very well fallen all the way into the depression I felt I was on the brink of. My mother said that God will sometimes put you in a position where you have to depend on no one else but him-I thought that was my 2 years in Los Angeles (cause I had separate issues with that), but I see I was totally wrong on that.

The Test:

362 days. That is how long I was out of work. For a person who has been working since I was 14, I’m sure I inherently tied some of my worth on the ability to financially take care of myself, and being the highly logical, organized, business minded person I am- not having the steady income I had used to carve a pretty decent way of life out of nearly made me crazy. In all honesty I was passed over for promotions I felt I should have gotten, I wasn’t all the way happy in my then position and I was already looking to make a move but I’m also a planner and a lay-off wasn’t in the plan. Especially, when some of the other positions I was interviewing for that I just knew I had in the bag (prior to the lay-off), ended up not panning out for one reason or another. I couldn’t understand how it was possible that a person with my education, background and skill set was not getting the jobs-even after making it to the final rounds in several of the companies and tons of call backs…but again, I am not all knowing and still don’t know what went on behind the scenes to make that happen.

I had internal battles with my worth and my self-esteem. I kept this one very close to the vest. Most folks know me as the tough girl who majority of the time is the shoulder for others, and can pretty much handle anything so something as girly and emotional as this I kept to myself.  Without me fully recognizing what was happening, one day I looked up and (even before the layoff happened) realized I was 40 pounds over what I weighed in High School. WTH! I carried it well so nobody said anything (that I know of-definitely not to my face), but I felt crazy cause that’s crazy lol. So on top of not being able to land the jobs I was going after I was also alone most of the time (no husband, boyfriend, dates). Not to be conceited or anything like that but I know I’m a pretty good catch. That’s just confidence. However, at the time that confidence was promptly thrown out the window. That’s not to say I didn’t meet any people or even go out with folks a few times but for the most part they didn’t work out or I was just ALONE. Everyone who really knows me knows I am all about being around people and my love language is Quality Time (Physical Touch and Gifts are tied for 2^nd J ). So to be going through all that I was going through without that much needed male shoulder to help strengthen me and let me know I was still beautiful inside and out was a big deal for me. Even now I kinda gotta wonder what the hell is going on in my relationship realm…you think you meet folks who will turn that around and they don’t. Some make it worse, others are there for a reason or a season, as far as I can tell I have yet to meet the lifetime one yet-or at the very least he hasn’t made his presence or intentions known. Oh well, I’m not chasing anybody so the right man will find me and do what it takes to keep me.

Sometimes my family can wear me out. Sometimes the drama, on both sides, was too much and I wanted to just remove myself from everyone. I was going through my own issues I just couldn’t take on anyone else’s burdens or deal with some of the shenanigans. I love my family and most of the time they mean well, but sometimes you don’t need everyone to have something to say about your situation if they aren’t doing anything to help you (even if you have for them in the past). I’m not saying they weren’t there for me but I gotta tell you, it was a lot going on during that time.  

Overall I was just in a bad place. I was sad, angry, depressed, emotional, depleted mentally. Yet I still had to put on the brave face and still care about others and make it seem like everything was cool, and I was fine. I wasn’t. I was crying all the time while I was alone (and I normally don’t cry a lot), I wondered if anybody would actually care if I wasn’t here, what was wrong with me, why I wasn’t good enough, all kind of crazy stuff...it was BAD.

I don’t know everything, but I do know my testimony…

The Testimony:

Not one shut off notice, day of homelessness, day of hunger, repossessed car, overdue bill, bounced check or major health crisis.  NOT.ONE.-that’s a shouting moment right there by itself *Baptist church organ music playing here*. Praise God! I still lived alone, drove my car, cooked my food, had all my utilities on, occasionally went out with my friends, volunteered in my cousin’s classroom and at the church, paid my tithes, even went on a couple journeys out of town. I got a severance and unemployment (another blessing) and while I may have had to go into my 401K and I may have more credit card debt then I used to (I had gotten it down to $0) the testimony is that I had a 401K and credit cards to use when necessary and I STILL have good credit.

My current position is a better title, at a bigger company, with better benefits and more money than my last job. Nothing else to be said-that statement says it all. Thank You Jesus!! Oh wait, I guess I can say something else because it’s key-the person who told me about the position (my current boss), is a person I worked with at my previous company who was impressed by the effort and hard work I showed while working on his business. Look at God...I can take no credit for that divine intervention but I am glad that even in the midst of feeling overlooked and taken for granted (at my previous employer) I still pushed and gave 100% no matter what, because you never know who is watching you and when it may come back for your benefit even if you can’t see it right then.

I have lost 20lbs so far. All things work together for the good of those who love God, and clearly my unplanned detour in my journey of life ended up working to my benefit health wise. So I was clearly stressed out and emotional BUT the time off gave me the kick I needed to get back on my cooking (because I’m pretty good at it) and workout regimen, which in turn helped me to start shedding the pounds that I didn’t pay attention to when I was so caught up with work and everything else. Sometimes God has to take everything out of your way to get you to pay attention…I got it. I’m still working to see if I can get rid of at least another 10 but I still think I’m looking pretty good J.

People (without me asking) sent me job postings (on the regular, that was NOT in their field so they did it on purpose), took me out on the town to get me out of the house (and paid for everything), gave me money (just on GP), offered to let me live with them (rent free) if I needed to, hooked me up with people they knew who may have positions available, gave me large appliances and helped me move them in my place, gave me electronics and other gifts, allowed me to use their Wi-Fi (for free) so I wouldn’t have that bill, bought me household goods or groceries if they were in town, traveled to see me so I wouldn’t be lonely, bought me books (because I love to read), sent me gift cards (just on GP), prayed for me (and had their family members pray for me as well-all of which I  didn’t know about while it was happening), bought tickets to events for me just so I could go, provided services at a discount (without me asking) and provided emotional and moral support. Listen…that list is so ridiculous and believe me the Lord knew just what I needed when I needed it. If ever there was a doubt in my mind while I was going through my storms about whether or not people loved, liked, cared about me-it was answered by the above. No lie, things like that brought me back around over time, because it showed that some folks (male and female) thought I was important. They empathized with where I was in my life and tried to help make it better. They provided encouragement, support, love, patience, understanding and an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, a place to escape to, a moment to feel good about myself. They provided what I needed. I cannot say enough Thanks to the people who unselfishly, consistently and repeatedly went WAY above and beyond what they had to do for me-some so unexpected I had to do double takes: Yolanda D, Liz J, Marline J, Tiffany M, Christi G, Roland P, Daniel S, Chris B, TaMyka J, Wendy S, Gayle D, Mommy, Mama Shelia & Pops, Toya & Rickey O, Aisha F, Toni W, Natalie R and Melanie M. There’s a saying that you really know who your friends are by who steps up when the chips are down and I don’t think I would have made it through without these people being there for me in whatever capacity. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! God Bless people with compassionate hearts.

I hope that my sharing of my story can be a blessing to others as much as it is a cleansing for me. I may not currently have everything I WANT but I for sure have everything I NEED, and that includes people in my life who are willing to be there for me through thick & thin, call me to make sure I’m okay, provide what they can when they can, pray with and for me and just overall be awesome people. You are the real MVP…I know you can’t have a testimony without a test, and that was a doozy for me, but I can only say that it was the grace of God that kept me and continues to each day…I’m so looking forward to all that will come in life as I continue to reach for my dreams.

Peace. 

I am Janay Rice…sort of….

This will be a different kind of entry this time, because as things have come up in my mind, small little hints and tidbits have been dropped in my lap-mostly from men, whether on social media or in person that say “wake up girl!!”so I’ve added them in here as they are relevant….

Let me start this whole thing off by saying that in no way shape or form have I ever been physically or mentally abused and definitely not knocked the hell out by a man (because I have crazy brothers, cousins, uncles and friends who wouldn’t hesitate to shut that down immediately)..BUT whether or not we want to admit it we all (male and female), at some point or another, have been Janay Rice. Someone who apparently loves hard and cares too much, someone who is quick to come to the rescue and defense of someone who is actually in the wrong (and we know they are wrong), Someone who cares more about a person then they obviously care about us, Someone who unselfishly puts others feelings before their own even when they shouldn’t. I dare you to say that you have never done any of the above...

Speaking from personal experience, there have been a few people throughout my life that didn’t treat me the way I wanted them to, nor the way I deserved and I let them linger around for much longer then I probably should have-again not in an abusive sense but definitely in an emotionally or mentally draining sense. Half the time, a friend or family member pointed out the nonsense that was happening –however, it’s not until we can determine for ourselves that we are fed up that we make a change, such is life. For example, I absolutely HATE being ignored…that’s a sure fire way to get on my bad side-it irks me to no end-especially by someone who claims to either love me, have feelings for me, or be my friend. If I text, call, email or smoke signal you, then text, call, email or smoke signal me back in a somewhat decent timeframe (not hours or days later), I mean really…Plus, I should not have to always be the one who initiates the contact-don’t be upset when I fall back and out because you don’t put in enough effort to match mine, I’m just saying. With all that being said, why have I in the past (and sadly, present for that matter) continued to entertain or even talk to people who don’t pay me the proper attention (male and female)-which to me means they don’t care or aren’t interested (but they say they do and are), even under the excuse and guise of it not being intentional or of them being “busy”? That is the million dollar question my friends and I am frantically working to correct whatever it is within myself that makes me cut some folks off immediately and hold on to others too long. These were put in my path (excuse the language on a couple-I didn’t make them!) as I have been wrestling with that very thing (even though I already know the truth…smh at myself…) and I’m ashamed that I have in these instances, been Janay Rice and let it go on. Also, let me reiterate, this is not just about male/female relationships, it crosses friendships, family relationships, even business associates.

Church....

Welp...

And there it is...!!!

How about when you are dealing with a person whom you care about (again on any level) but they are always selfish (another pet peeve of mine)! Have you just walked away at the first sign of selfishness or have you stuck it out-hoping and praying that they would change, that it would get better? Often times, many people who are in abusive relationships have this core belief-that it could change and get better, and before you know it days, months, years have passed by and you are still dealing with the same selfish person that they were on day 1-perhaps you get used to it, perhaps you overlook it, perhaps you make excuses for it-either way, hello Janay Rice. We can’t change the core of a person, no matter how good we are to them and it takes some of us longer to realize that then others but life is about choices and decisions-decisions that we can only make for ourselves on our own timing. People get mad if you don’t do what they think you should do when they think you should do it-but imagine how your life would be if you did everything that everyone else wanted you to do... I know I’d go crazy. Now let me say this-this in no way means that we should all ignore the thoughts, opinions and feelings of others. At the end of the day sometimes what someone is saying is with your best interest at heart or something that may help the situation or your relationship, and they may actually have experience to back it up-but sometimes they don’t know the full story and its’ up to you to decide if you want to tell them.

Truth..

I have to admit, when this story first broke I was so mad...I mean I couldn’t believe that this chick would stay with (and promptly marry) a dude who mollywhopped her in an elevator and made no attempt on the tape to even look remorseful. He basically treated her as if she was nothing-and she stayed. Apparently that isn’t her deal breaker-it’s mine, but she is who she is and I am me. I wondered where her Father, Brothers, Uncles, Cousins, Friends were-because they should have had her back and stepped in from the jump. Had it been me he wouldn’t have had to worry about the NFL suspending him, cause when the folks I know got done with him he wouldn’t have been able to play due to severe career ending injuries. As a sister in Christ and a Black woman, I can only pray for her safety, integrity and self-respect. I can only hope that she sees that she is valuable and worth more than what that tape shows. I hope that she never has to go through anything like that again, that no one ever makes her feel that she is so worthless that she has to take whatever is dished or left hooked her way. Once again, I am like Janay Rice, I pray for myself , that when situations like the examples I mentioned above happen I continue and/or get better at loving myself enough to know when enough is enough and when it’s time to not only walk away but sever ties completely-for my own self-respect. I’m not the girl who chases behind guys but I have clearly let more slide than I should have and had my niceness taken for a weakness and that sucks. I am woman enough to call my own BS when I see it and I can’t let my emotions cloud my judgment like I have in the past. I guess it’s the compassionate, sensitive, dreamer Pisces in me that makes me give folks chance after chance but even I get pushed to my limit (like I am now), I hope she finds hers.

In summary, Janay Rice is the Kettle and the majority of the folks talking about her are the Pots calling her Black-and that’s a shame.

She matters, I matter, You matter….

Peace.

Getting Back To Me...

I have a confession to make-it may come as a shock to some, some may have had a suspicion about it, some may have even known for sure, but for the last 10 months or so I have been living with someone.

That’s right, I’ve been shacked up with a stranger who ironically, was a doppelganger. It looked, walked, talked like me-but wasn’t me-at least not really.

I was having dinner with my Father and Step-Mother who happened to be in town a week ago and in the course of him catching up on my life and how I was doing, I shared a few stories of some people that had come in and out of my life recently (and their various shenanigans or egregious errors), my reactions/actions to them and my feelings about it, and while talking I had to stop and think for a second, then after a light bulb moment I clearly said to him-“I haven’t been myself..they haven’t seen the real Stacey”. Funny thing is, he said-“I know they haven’t”. Now, for those that may not know, my Father hasn’t always been around and clearly doesn’t know me as well as Mommy (Hi CF ;-) ), but if this dude can cosign my statement, I really need to take a step back and figure out what the problem is and quickly.

I know you may be wondering what I mean by not being myself and folks not meeting the real me-let me clarify for you. I am usually a very intelligent, observant, perceptive, strong willed, extremely independent (sometimes to my mother’s dismay), make it happen, take no sh*t, yet still be sweet, funny, fun and caring type of person. However, the effects of the past 11 months of unemployment and all that have come with that as well as some other somewhat recent experiences (See the Can’t Force Them, Living Behind the Mask, Hating The Game and Intention vs Actions posts on this blog) have weighed heavily on my mind, heart and spirit-and dealing with all the emotions and thoughts and such that go along with that has allowed some folks to get away with what I’d call MURDER and BS (in the world of Stacey). For real, the stuff that normally would have gotten a person cut from my life quick, or at the very least, told about themselves in no uncertain terms-slid below the radar and went unchecked. That’s my fault. Note, I didn’t say I didn’t notice it, or didn’t think that it happened-I said it went unchecked-a definite clue that I was trippin’. As a truth moment here-It’s my fault because I was so preoccupied with making it day to day and looking for things/people to help me take my mind off my situation that I let folks who didn’t put in the right amount of effort get perks they didn’t earn. I let dudes share my time and get feelings built up when they were in fact selfish in their actions, spoke words that didn’t match their actual actions and only really cared about themselves and what THEY wanted, when, how and where they wanted it. Folks who only cared about their pleasure and happiness and to hell with mine (they would probably deny it, but actions speak louder than words boo). I actually let folks slide (somewhat-I wasn’t all the way gone) in making plans or promises and not following through, not calling or returning phone calls for days (who does that if they are actually as interested as they say??!?) and other stupid things folks do when we don’t check the bad actions immediately. In hindsight, I can look back now and say “What the hell was I thinking?” I’m not gonna take all the blame cause some of these folks need to do better and they know it whether they want to admit it or not, but I have never been one to not be accountable for my part in a situation so I’ll take that. The 3 pictures on this post I have come across in the last 2 days, further proof that God is saying-get it together girl!

Step 1 is to acknowledge, Step 2 is to correct. So to some folks pleasure and others dismay, it’s time for me to get back to me-the real me, the one who knows her worth and won’t let circumstances take her outside of her character. The one who will tell folks when they are wrong or just stop dealing with them altogether if they can’t step up to the plate. The one who will see things for what they are and not what I want them to be-even if I have fun in the meantime. The one who is still fine with dreaming about what I want in life and believing that it will happen (marriage, kids, travel, great career, house, non-profit organization, etc.). The one who is willing to cut folks out of my life if they bring more stress than relief. The one who expects mutually beneficial relationships on any level (professional, personal, friendship, etc.). Finally, the one who loves me enough to not take sh*t I don’t deserve from people just because they are a distraction from life as I currently know it.

So with that being said-allow me to introduce myself…My name is (no not Hov, even though I do think in rhythm and songs :-) ) Stacey….and I’m back……Be Right or Be Gone…

Peace.  

IG and Twitter: @Frommysoapbox 

Can't Force Them To See That You're Worth It..

Just so you have a background for where I'm going with this post-there are 3 things that I keep taped to my bathroom mirror at all times:

-Can't Force Them To See That You're Worth It...But You Are

-Habbakuk 2:3 For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.

-The Poem “Don't Quit” that was laminated and given to me and my sands when we were on line by my Big Sister and Spec Ligaya (See-I still use it 8 years later Big Sis :))

I was inspired to write again because I have been on an emotional roller coaster the last 11 months that has me so close to the edge I'm afraid I will fall over. I have to tell you, never in the grand plan that I had in my head for my life did the terms “Layoff or Unemployed” ever come up, and as a 34 year old, independent, 2 degree having, good credit carrying, compassionate, loving, friendly, talented, versatile person I'm having a distinct issue dealing with exactly where my life is right now. I usually keep things like to myself because I just don't think everyone needs to know my business but maybe this mode- which is my normal release will help me in coming to terms with life as I currently know it. Here was my simple grand master plan that I laid out for myself as an 18 yr old and never really wavered from wanting:

• MBA by 23 (happened at 24 but Check!)
• Married by 25 (uhhh...still single..not even a definitive prospect right now smh...)
• First kid by 27, last one (up to 4) by 32 (Do nieces & nephews count? Cause this is a big no as well sadly...)
• A career that I love as the female version of the great Marketing Guru Marcus Graham from Boomerang (yes, that is one of my favorite movies and I was and kind of still am dead set on that job-didn't get where I should have been with this no matter how hard I tried and am currently unemployed which makes it worse)
• A big house to raise my family in that can hold all the entertaining I like to do (still no home ownership in my repertoire-not even a condo-because I keep moving-which I'm tired of doing-especially since NOW I am unemployed after all the moving for WORK!)
• Traveling the world with my husband by 50 (Luckily I still have a chance with this but not with all the children out of the house like I initially planned)

That's it, not a lot of fluff and stuff, not a lot of selfish famous/lottery winning grandeur, just a career, a home and a family-so you can see why I'm a bit disheartened that in what can be summed up as 5 key points of life I'm at 20% completion...and it's driving me crazy. You know what they say, the best way to make God laugh is to make plans-well apparently he is having plenty of giggles up in heaven at me...

I say all that to lead me into the title. I have pretty much spent my entire life trying to prove to everyone that I'm worth it-educationally, professionally, personally, socially..and I gotta tell you, it is positively tiring. A recent conversation I had with my mother had me truly admitting a long standing feeling that I try to keep under wraps-I feel like a failure. No one has called me one and the few I have told have told me in no uncertain terms that I'm not a failure but I really feel like it right now. Bad I know-now I'm just trying to figure out how to get past it. For those who may not know, I grew up in a single parent home and I was and still am affected by the fact that my Father had PLENTY of opportunity (put it like this, I was around his side of the family and his younger brother had me so much as a baby/kid folks thought I was Uncle Ray's) to be active in my life and CHOSE not to be-until recently..as in, the last 6-7 years (remember I'm 34 so by the time he started, all the work and/or damage had been done) and from a mental standpoint, that can really eff you up. I mean, if the man who is supposed to support, care for and love me first and moreso than any other man on this earth didn't feel like I was worth the time, money and effort it took to step up and be there what would make me think someone else would? I was blessed to have a VERY strong, God-fearing and supportive Mother who has instilled a sense of confidence, pride, independence and self-worth in me that helps me cope with that and know that I am in fact worth it.

However, on the flip side-it causes me to pretty much stand firm on not taking any shit (sorry mom) from another dude. Hence, “Can't Force Them To See That You're Worth It...But You Are” I know that I AM WORTH the mutual quality time, effort to plan a date, money, respect, feelings, partnership and whatever else it takes for a guy to be with me and I'm confident enough in myself to walk away if our association/friendship/relationship is not mutually beneficial. Maybe that's why I'm still single, but I respect myself enough not to just take anything-especially since what I ask for I'm actually willing to give in return. I often get tired of having to deal with people who are selfish and only care about what they want and when and how they want it. Why is it so hard for folks to follow through, compromise and do what they say they are gonna do? If you tell me you are gonna call in the morning-then call in the morning or at least shoot me a note to update me if that's not possible. If you say you are gonna do something-then do it, not gloss over it later when you HAVEN'T done it. Trust me folks, that type of stuff is annoying and will get on folks nerves quick and if your positives don't outweigh these negatives then it's probably the deuces being chucked...because I'm worth it whether you recognize and acknowledge it or not.

I know that I AM WORTH the great jobs and positions, the promotions, the salary and everything else I'm looking for in terms of a career-even if it's not going the way I want it right now. But, currently this is probably my biggest personal issue because unfortunately with all my emotions being out of whack (because everything just seems so to be all happening at once)-every rejection I get from all these applications and interviews I have been doing takes me back to the rejection feeling I had daily growing up without my Father and some days it just erases every feeling of self worth I had gained after my adolescent years til now. It's hard to explain to someone who may have never been there, but imagine hearing everyday that you are not good enough for what you want -(whatever that may be) consistently for 10 months...everyday. Yeah, that's where I am.

I AM WORTH all that I want in life and though I may struggle with what I don't currently have, I do have the faith to know that things will work out for my good and that what I DO have is a tremendous amount of talent, versatility, imagination and drive. I DO have a group of family, friends and sorors who are willing to help out even without me asking. What I DO have is a giving heart, a natural ability to help others, compassion, an abundance of love to give and a romantic nature (for my future boo ;-)). What I DO have is a mind full of dreams and a desire to see them come true.

While you can't force someone to love you, like you, help you, want you or see that you are worth it-as long as you do those things for yourself and know without a doubt that you are worth it then everything else should be fine...

Can't Force Them To See That You're Worth It...But You Are!