Getting Back To Me...

I have a confession to make-it may come as a shock to some, some may have had a suspicion about it, some may have even known for sure, but for the last 10 months or so I have been living with someone.

That’s right, I’ve been shacked up with a stranger who ironically, was a doppelganger. It looked, walked, talked like me-but wasn’t me-at least not really.

I was having dinner with my Father and Step-Mother who happened to be in town a week ago and in the course of him catching up on my life and how I was doing, I shared a few stories of some people that had come in and out of my life recently (and their various shenanigans or egregious errors), my reactions/actions to them and my feelings about it, and while talking I had to stop and think for a second, then after a light bulb moment I clearly said to him-“I haven’t been myself..they haven’t seen the real Stacey”. Funny thing is, he said-“I know they haven’t”. Now, for those that may not know, my Father hasn’t always been around and clearly doesn’t know me as well as Mommy (Hi CF ;-) ), but if this dude can cosign my statement, I really need to take a step back and figure out what the problem is and quickly.

I know you may be wondering what I mean by not being myself and folks not meeting the real me-let me clarify for you. I am usually a very intelligent, observant, perceptive, strong willed, extremely independent (sometimes to my mother’s dismay), make it happen, take no sh*t, yet still be sweet, funny, fun and caring type of person. However, the effects of the past 11 months of unemployment and all that have come with that as well as some other somewhat recent experiences (See the Can’t Force Them, Living Behind the Mask, Hating The Game and Intention vs Actions posts on this blog) have weighed heavily on my mind, heart and spirit-and dealing with all the emotions and thoughts and such that go along with that has allowed some folks to get away with what I’d call MURDER and BS (in the world of Stacey). For real, the stuff that normally would have gotten a person cut from my life quick, or at the very least, told about themselves in no uncertain terms-slid below the radar and went unchecked. That’s my fault. Note, I didn’t say I didn’t notice it, or didn’t think that it happened-I said it went unchecked-a definite clue that I was trippin’. As a truth moment here-It’s my fault because I was so preoccupied with making it day to day and looking for things/people to help me take my mind off my situation that I let folks who didn’t put in the right amount of effort get perks they didn’t earn. I let dudes share my time and get feelings built up when they were in fact selfish in their actions, spoke words that didn’t match their actual actions and only really cared about themselves and what THEY wanted, when, how and where they wanted it. Folks who only cared about their pleasure and happiness and to hell with mine (they would probably deny it, but actions speak louder than words boo). I actually let folks slide (somewhat-I wasn’t all the way gone) in making plans or promises and not following through, not calling or returning phone calls for days (who does that if they are actually as interested as they say??!?) and other stupid things folks do when we don’t check the bad actions immediately. In hindsight, I can look back now and say “What the hell was I thinking?” I’m not gonna take all the blame cause some of these folks need to do better and they know it whether they want to admit it or not, but I have never been one to not be accountable for my part in a situation so I’ll take that. The 3 pictures on this post I have come across in the last 2 days, further proof that God is saying-get it together girl!

Step 1 is to acknowledge, Step 2 is to correct. So to some folks pleasure and others dismay, it’s time for me to get back to me-the real me, the one who knows her worth and won’t let circumstances take her outside of her character. The one who will tell folks when they are wrong or just stop dealing with them altogether if they can’t step up to the plate. The one who will see things for what they are and not what I want them to be-even if I have fun in the meantime. The one who is still fine with dreaming about what I want in life and believing that it will happen (marriage, kids, travel, great career, house, non-profit organization, etc.). The one who is willing to cut folks out of my life if they bring more stress than relief. The one who expects mutually beneficial relationships on any level (professional, personal, friendship, etc.). Finally, the one who loves me enough to not take sh*t I don’t deserve from people just because they are a distraction from life as I currently know it.

So with that being said-allow me to introduce myself…My name is (no not Hov, even though I do think in rhythm and songs :-) ) Stacey….and I’m back……Be Right or Be Gone…

Peace.  

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