Remembering Love...

My best friend is getting married!! (Marriages and babies popping up all around me-I don’t know whether to be happy for them (which I am) or sad for me, but I digress) All the excitement of what is to come and getting to be a part of her special day next year got me to reminiscing on some past people and experiences (I’m giving sly shoutouts as you will see)-some evoked love from me, others strong like J. I went to the archives and also included a poem I wrote WAAAAYYY back in my freshman year of college (1998) “Go Deep” (what I can remember at least-the actual poem is on a 3.5 disk-that’s how old it is!!). I performed it during Delta Week 1999 at their Crème De la Crème event and got all kinds of snaps lol…hope you enjoy cause I see I’m still looking for now what I was looking for then…

The other day one of my favorite movies was on TV...Love Jones. In that movie we all got to the opportunity to become obsessed with open mic night, poetry, a man’s intentional and successful pursuit of a woman and of course a little humor and romance :-). One of my favorite quotes (besides the Blues For Nina Poem) is from the end of the movie:
Nina Mosley: You always want what you want when you want it. Why is everything so urgent with you?

Darius Lovehall: Let me tell you somethin'. This here, right now, at this very moment, is all that matters to me. I love you. That's urgent like a motherfucker.

Whew! I'm dropping the mic and swooning right there...a man not afraid to put it all out there, wear his heart on his sleeve and express his feelings-can we go back to the days when that was cool??

Most folks know (or should have figured out) that I am a HUGE romantic. I mean that stuff drives me daily. I read romance novels, I daydream about romantic encounters, I like cuddling, slow dancing, dudes playing in my hair, me rubbing their heads while they lay in my lap, holding hands, massages, laughing, touching while we sleep, walks in the park or along the beach, listening to music, candlelight, going on real dates, meeting each other’s friends and family, long tight hugs, kisses for no reason, flowers-just because, compliments, watching movies together, chivalry-opening doors, walking by the curb, standing when I leave a table, helping me up and down stairs, hand at the small of my  back while leading me somewhere, being protective and aware of the surroundings in public (well done on the chivalry thing RH), anything and everything in this arena- I just love Love/Romance J.

Watching that movie got me reminiscing about past experiences, my first love and all the things that have touched me deep. I know, I know, I'm supposed to be tough girl Stace but I am a mush sometimes lol. Unfortunately, most of these end in heartbreak for me (considering I'm still single) but I'm not focusing on the negative in this post, ironically I'm still cool with most of the folks who impacted me.

 I still have pretty much every well thought out gift/card/letter/memory, etc. that I felt truly touched my heart (not everything makes the cut)...

•  The card that my boyfriend bought and wrote his own poem in, then gave to my best friend who went to church with him to give to me (we went to different schools) from the 7th grade...I still have that. (Go LT-who I haven’t seen in forever!)
• The basketball my first real love gave me because he knew how much I loved playing Basketball (and we played on some dates) my freshman year at FAMU back in 1998...I still have that. The herringbone necklace he bought me back then so I would always think of him, (cause they were in style)... I still have that. The way he would call just to check on me and let me know he was thinking about me, the walks we took around Lake Ella and how we would just talk (because I like being by water), how we would slow dance whenever, just spontaneously-to music on the radio, sometimes to no music at all-maybe him singing sometimes J, how we would play wrestle at the drop of a dime (and sometimes he would let me win), the nicknames he had for me, how he would hold my hand while he drove and give unexpected kisses at stoplights, how he would make a point to take me places to see the sunset or hear a waterfall or river flow in the dark, and finally how he planned, paid for and executed a trip to the ocean for me because at the time I had never been to one…he helped me experience a lot of firsts, I still recall every detail and memory of our time together-good and bad (Shoutout to FS Jr wherever he may be-my first love and my first heartbreak)
• The tapes (yes tapes) that another guy I dated mailed me full of love songs and the corresponding letter he sent expressing his feelings (using every song title on the tapes) from my sophomore year at FAMU back in 1999...I still have that...I still remember this same guy picking me up from the airport when I came to visit him and having a surprise mini scavenger hunt ready for me that ended up including all of my favorite things including the video LOVE JONES for us to watch (I kid you not, he did the damn thing)…(that was dope AWF!!)
• The Postcard from Germany and letter with a poem that my old boo (who is half German) sent me when he went home one summer back in 2000…I still have that (Guardian Angels hold on to stuff MLS)

I still have memories of all the guys that didn’t want to go a single day without seeing or talking to me (or I them), the hours spent on the phone or in person just talking and enjoying being in each other’s company on a regular basis. Gentle forehead or cheek kisses, my blushing smiles, the way folks made me feel like I was important and a priority in their life, the acceleration of my heartbeat when I saw that it was them who was calling, or when I opened to the door and they were standing there. I remember feeling like I was walking on cloud 9, I hear songs on the radio and am immediately transported back to key moments in time, remembering who evoked the smile and feelings that have seemed so hard to grasp as years have gone on…

I am remembering…LOVE.

Peace.

Go Deep         By Stacey F (circa 1998)

Excuse me, can I talk to you for a minute?

You really need to know the truth,

For the past few hours my hearts been skipping,

Because I’ve clearly been watching you.

The way you move, the way you walk,

Your gorgeous smile, your sexy talk,

You’ve really got my attention,

So now my intentions are to get to know the real you.

A walk down the street, hand in hand,

To know your true feelings is all I demand,

No time for games, no time for toys,

Cause now is the time to separate the men from the boys.

Your soul is fine, your heart is sweet

Love is what I’m trying to find,

Can you go that deep?

One touch from your hand can make my heart stop,

One kiss from your lips can make my soul drop,

When I look in your eyes, I try to decide,

Whether to show or hide my feelings inside.

I need someone loyal and faithful,

Someone to always be down for me

So now the question lies on you my sweet,

Do you want to go that deep? 

The Test in Testimony...

Psalm 30:1-5 King James Version (KJV)

1 I will extol thee, O Lord; for thou hast lifted me up, and hast not made my foes to rejoice over me.

2 O Lord my God, I cried unto thee, and thou hast healed me.

3 O Lord, thou hast brought up my soul from the grave: thou hast kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.

4 Sing unto the Lord, O ye saints of his, and give thanks at the remembrance of his holiness.

5 For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

I need to take a moment to go against my normal M.O. and be fully transparent here-As I reflect on the last year and a half of my life, the above bolded scripture just came to mind for me as the absolute best way to start this blog. Why? Because I have had so many nights (and days for that matter) of crying over the past year and a half that there is no other way to explain my feelings. A few of my past blogs gave brief glimpses into what I was going through because I use writing as a way to purge my feelings (See: I am Janay Rice...Sort of, Getting Back To Me and Can’t Force Them To See That You’re Worth It) but this is all encompassing. In all honesty I felt like everything was hitting me all at once, some of the stuff no one even knew about (until now)…it’s hard enough to deal with things one at a time but what do you do when you feel like the world is against you? Professional struggles, mental, emotional, physical and spiritual struggles, doubt in myself, my abilities, my looks and even my worth all had me, I believe, on the brink of depression (I don’t think I went all the way into it but I never saw anyone so who knows). However, I know that it has been the blessings and favor of God and him seeing fit to put my mother and certain other people in my life that sustained me for the past 18 months. None of the people I will mention ever do anything for praise or applause, but because they are just naturally good people and I can’t even begin to describe what they did for me individually (I don’t want to put all their business in the street) but sometimes people just go so far and above what they have to do that you have no choice but to publicly express your gratitude for them and let them know how much they are appreciated. The biggest blessing is that some of the people I will mention I actually met within the last 2 years (or less)! I think without certain people I may have very well fallen all the way into the depression I felt I was on the brink of. My mother said that God will sometimes put you in a position where you have to depend on no one else but him-I thought that was my 2 years in Los Angeles (cause I had separate issues with that), but I see I was totally wrong on that.

The Test:

362 days. That is how long I was out of work. For a person who has been working since I was 14, I’m sure I inherently tied some of my worth on the ability to financially take care of myself, and being the highly logical, organized, business minded person I am- not having the steady income I had used to carve a pretty decent way of life out of nearly made me crazy. In all honesty I was passed over for promotions I felt I should have gotten, I wasn’t all the way happy in my then position and I was already looking to make a move but I’m also a planner and a lay-off wasn’t in the plan. Especially, when some of the other positions I was interviewing for that I just knew I had in the bag (prior to the lay-off), ended up not panning out for one reason or another. I couldn’t understand how it was possible that a person with my education, background and skill set was not getting the jobs-even after making it to the final rounds in several of the companies and tons of call backs…but again, I am not all knowing and still don’t know what went on behind the scenes to make that happen.

I had internal battles with my worth and my self-esteem. I kept this one very close to the vest. Most folks know me as the tough girl who majority of the time is the shoulder for others, and can pretty much handle anything so something as girly and emotional as this I kept to myself.  Without me fully recognizing what was happening, one day I looked up and (even before the layoff happened) realized I was 40 pounds over what I weighed in High School. WTH! I carried it well so nobody said anything (that I know of-definitely not to my face), but I felt crazy cause that’s crazy lol. So on top of not being able to land the jobs I was going after I was also alone most of the time (no husband, boyfriend, dates). Not to be conceited or anything like that but I know I’m a pretty good catch. That’s just confidence. However, at the time that confidence was promptly thrown out the window. That’s not to say I didn’t meet any people or even go out with folks a few times but for the most part they didn’t work out or I was just ALONE. Everyone who really knows me knows I am all about being around people and my love language is Quality Time (Physical Touch and Gifts are tied for 2^nd J ). So to be going through all that I was going through without that much needed male shoulder to help strengthen me and let me know I was still beautiful inside and out was a big deal for me. Even now I kinda gotta wonder what the hell is going on in my relationship realm…you think you meet folks who will turn that around and they don’t. Some make it worse, others are there for a reason or a season, as far as I can tell I have yet to meet the lifetime one yet-or at the very least he hasn’t made his presence or intentions known. Oh well, I’m not chasing anybody so the right man will find me and do what it takes to keep me.

Sometimes my family can wear me out. Sometimes the drama, on both sides, was too much and I wanted to just remove myself from everyone. I was going through my own issues I just couldn’t take on anyone else’s burdens or deal with some of the shenanigans. I love my family and most of the time they mean well, but sometimes you don’t need everyone to have something to say about your situation if they aren’t doing anything to help you (even if you have for them in the past). I’m not saying they weren’t there for me but I gotta tell you, it was a lot going on during that time.  

Overall I was just in a bad place. I was sad, angry, depressed, emotional, depleted mentally. Yet I still had to put on the brave face and still care about others and make it seem like everything was cool, and I was fine. I wasn’t. I was crying all the time while I was alone (and I normally don’t cry a lot), I wondered if anybody would actually care if I wasn’t here, what was wrong with me, why I wasn’t good enough, all kind of crazy stuff...it was BAD.

I don’t know everything, but I do know my testimony…

The Testimony:

Not one shut off notice, day of homelessness, day of hunger, repossessed car, overdue bill, bounced check or major health crisis.  NOT.ONE.-that’s a shouting moment right there by itself *Baptist church organ music playing here*. Praise God! I still lived alone, drove my car, cooked my food, had all my utilities on, occasionally went out with my friends, volunteered in my cousin’s classroom and at the church, paid my tithes, even went on a couple journeys out of town. I got a severance and unemployment (another blessing) and while I may have had to go into my 401K and I may have more credit card debt then I used to (I had gotten it down to $0) the testimony is that I had a 401K and credit cards to use when necessary and I STILL have good credit.

My current position is a better title, at a bigger company, with better benefits and more money than my last job. Nothing else to be said-that statement says it all. Thank You Jesus!! Oh wait, I guess I can say something else because it’s key-the person who told me about the position (my current boss), is a person I worked with at my previous company who was impressed by the effort and hard work I showed while working on his business. Look at God...I can take no credit for that divine intervention but I am glad that even in the midst of feeling overlooked and taken for granted (at my previous employer) I still pushed and gave 100% no matter what, because you never know who is watching you and when it may come back for your benefit even if you can’t see it right then.

I have lost 20lbs so far. All things work together for the good of those who love God, and clearly my unplanned detour in my journey of life ended up working to my benefit health wise. So I was clearly stressed out and emotional BUT the time off gave me the kick I needed to get back on my cooking (because I’m pretty good at it) and workout regimen, which in turn helped me to start shedding the pounds that I didn’t pay attention to when I was so caught up with work and everything else. Sometimes God has to take everything out of your way to get you to pay attention…I got it. I’m still working to see if I can get rid of at least another 10 but I still think I’m looking pretty good J.

People (without me asking) sent me job postings (on the regular, that was NOT in their field so they did it on purpose), took me out on the town to get me out of the house (and paid for everything), gave me money (just on GP), offered to let me live with them (rent free) if I needed to, hooked me up with people they knew who may have positions available, gave me large appliances and helped me move them in my place, gave me electronics and other gifts, allowed me to use their Wi-Fi (for free) so I wouldn’t have that bill, bought me household goods or groceries if they were in town, traveled to see me so I wouldn’t be lonely, bought me books (because I love to read), sent me gift cards (just on GP), prayed for me (and had their family members pray for me as well-all of which I  didn’t know about while it was happening), bought tickets to events for me just so I could go, provided services at a discount (without me asking) and provided emotional and moral support. Listen…that list is so ridiculous and believe me the Lord knew just what I needed when I needed it. If ever there was a doubt in my mind while I was going through my storms about whether or not people loved, liked, cared about me-it was answered by the above. No lie, things like that brought me back around over time, because it showed that some folks (male and female) thought I was important. They empathized with where I was in my life and tried to help make it better. They provided encouragement, support, love, patience, understanding and an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, a place to escape to, a moment to feel good about myself. They provided what I needed. I cannot say enough Thanks to the people who unselfishly, consistently and repeatedly went WAY above and beyond what they had to do for me-some so unexpected I had to do double takes: Yolanda D, Liz J, Marline J, Tiffany M, Christi G, Roland P, Daniel S, Chris B, TaMyka J, Wendy S, Gayle D, Mommy, Mama Shelia & Pops, Toya & Rickey O, Aisha F, Toni W, Natalie R and Melanie M. There’s a saying that you really know who your friends are by who steps up when the chips are down and I don’t think I would have made it through without these people being there for me in whatever capacity. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! God Bless people with compassionate hearts.

I hope that my sharing of my story can be a blessing to others as much as it is a cleansing for me. I may not currently have everything I WANT but I for sure have everything I NEED, and that includes people in my life who are willing to be there for me through thick & thin, call me to make sure I’m okay, provide what they can when they can, pray with and for me and just overall be awesome people. You are the real MVP…I know you can’t have a testimony without a test, and that was a doozy for me, but I can only say that it was the grace of God that kept me and continues to each day…I’m so looking forward to all that will come in life as I continue to reach for my dreams.

Peace.