Before I Do

You know for as much of a musical person that I am, somehow I have been sleeping on the girl Sevyn Streeter. However, she has a song out right now that has my complete attention, because she is singing about something that hits home for me in a big way. Her song “Before I Do” is basically about making sure a dude doesn’t have another girl or is over another girl before she moves further along in a relationship with him (because he is acting like he doesn’t and/or that he is over her). Man listen, that there is a serious statement and thought process. I know females and males alike have been in the position where they have wondered if the time was right for them to give their all to someone based on the other person’s feelings about a PAST relationship or person, or even about a person who was said to have been in the past. Honestly, I feel like I’ve been in this position with several folks in my past, even if they didn’t have a girlfriend at the time, I was fighting the “ghost” of a girl if they wanted to admit it or not and that is unwinnable and that sucks. Let me be clear here and say that this can go both ways, girls can do this to guys as well. If a person’s heart isn’t fully free then they need to stay by themselves until it is. It’s not fair to the next person coming in to have to compete, especially if they don’t even know they are competing. Feelings make us vulnerable and giving your all to someone to delve into love can be a scary trip-especially if you are unsure.

There are so many songs, poems, books, movies, stories, experiences, memories, etc. shared about lost love, too quick love, no love, real love, fake love, unrequited love, long lost love, true love, love period. I’m a romantic so you know I pay attention to all of them lol, but you know what- every other day I think I’m just about to the point where I’ve given up on love, as sad as it seems. I mean, just today I got an email with this article (God is the ultimate jokester) : http://www.essence.com/love/beware-10-mistakes-women-make-when-they-fall-love-too-fast 😒.

CHURCH! 

WORD! 

But then, as soon as I feel like it’s time to say forget love and become a nun or a hoe (hey I actually wrote a post about that a few years ago: To Hoe or Not To Hoe), I get phone CALLS (yes I said calls, because actually talking in person matters people and if anyone says different they are lying) from people who still make my heart start beating faster when I see their name on the screen, or spend quality time with someone who wants to be in my presence, or get taken out on a date by someone who cares about what I want to do or like a few weeks ago, get the best personal massage by a guy that I have ever had in my entire life (sheesh I’m still talking and thinking about that), or have guys offer to unselfishly give of themselves to make my day better, I've even had guys tell me not to marry anybody else because they would crash the wedding like in my favorite episode of A Different World, and I think- hey, maybe there is still hope for me yet- Because. Hopeless Romantic.

I’ve come to the realization that time, life and experiences are starting to make me jaded, and the once rose colored glasses, there is a love out there for everyone, and my prince charming will ride up on his white horse and sweep me off my feet mentality that I’ve lived with pretty much my entire life is fading fast. For a girl like me that is the death knell. But how many times will you burn your hand on the pan before you stop cooking? If no one appreciates what you offer and bring to the table or if they don’t provide the same amount of time and effort that you do, then what is the point? I don’t know too many people who will just stay in a situation that is not beneficial just for the sake of being in a situation, at least I won’t. I’m an all or nothing girl- you give me 100% or give me nothing at all.

So, as I stand on the precipice of throwing up my hands and waving the white flag of surrender of all that I dreamed in terms of love, I’m preparing my fly ensemble (cause y’all know I gotta be fly 😉) to head to my 3^rd and final wedding of the year tomorrow to genuinely celebrate another person that I am close to finding the love of their life. I’m always happy to see folks walk into their forever and can’t wait to raise a glass to the soon to be Jamiesons! In fact, thinking of all the love I have had the chance to witness and be a part of this year (weddings and new babies being born), maybe me and love aren’t actually through with each other just yet. We’ll have to wait and see.

Peace. 

Proximity Doesn’t Mean Destiny

You know there are some people in this world who absolutely don’t know how to be alone. I mean, it’s almost as if they are scared of what might happen if they take the time to reflect on themselves and just be. Running from one relationship to the next with no break in between, even running back to relationships that are not actually the best for them but because it would keep them from being alone or dare I say, lonely. I had a conversation the other day about the difference between being lonely and being alone. One might think that just because a person is alone they are lonely and that is not always the case- sometimes a person is alone because they need time to work things out for themselves, deal with issues and situations that they keep bottled up, or even get their minds right. Is that possible if a person never stops and takes the time to be alone for fear of being lonely??

I truly believe that just because a person is physically close to you, that doesn’t mean they are your destiny. Just because something is easy and convenient doesn’t make it the right choice. I have personal examples of people who had long term, long distance relationships that are now married with kids. However, there seems to be folks out there who upon having conversations, don’t know how to channel their emotions, feelings or thoughts past what they can actually see and I contest that those people lack the desire to put forth effort and communication to make things work. Because that would be too hard, and who actually wants to work in a relationship right?? Trust me, as a person who has dealt with several of these unwilling folks, long distance is work. What annoys me the most is that most of these folks know going in what the situation is and say they want it, but when it comes to maintaining it, they run. Man, that’s a whole ‘nother post-the runners. Folks who don’t know how to deal with, communicate or express their feelings like grown folks so they run. Run from pain, run from life, run from love, run from hard conversations, run from relationship to relationship, doesn’t matter what the situation is, they will run-because it’s in their nature to.  

Me being close in distance to someone doesn’t make them anymore great for me than an elephant standing next to a mouse. Just because you are touchable and close and convenient doesn’t mean you are right. Personally, some of my closest friends stay well outside of Atlanta but they would be the first ones I call if something goes down, because to me it is about the relationship and not the distance. It’s about being willing to go above and beyond to communicate and see them, because I think they are that important. I have lived in 8 cities in my life, met some really cool and interesting people, dated some interesting (and a few great) people and some not so great people, forged long lasting friendships and had some incredible experiences. I’ve been able to maintain a lot of these relationships (even the romantic kinds that didn’t work) because I am open to seeing what happens and putting in the work to make it happen and keep the relationship strong. Because I don’t believe that proximity means destiny, the person does.

I’m doing some different things in this post, cause you know a sista gotta keep y’all on your toes and entertained so I’m about to drop some bars for y’all. Hey I write poetry, dropping a flow shouldn’t be that hard 😊.

Proximity doesn’t mean destiny/How you gonna fulfill your dreams

When you got a person who can’t even help you get or stay free/

People calling the po-po whenever they hear a no-no/

Acting like they don’t understand that people are dropping like leaves/

whenever the police arrive on the scene/

a lot of people already acting like Eric Benet/

letting the baddest chicks get away/

for somebody who won’t even stay/

folks these days straight coming off wack/

wanna go the easy route cause they can’t handle the facts/

knowing that if they actually went to war they couldn’t stand the attack/

how’s that for clap back/

can’t be on my team if you not willing to pull your weight/

how in the world am I ever supposed to be great/

when you got people on the side always trying to hate/

and at the end of the day, none of this shit will ever dissipate/

you say I got what you looking for/

but when things get tough you wanna run for the door/

so selfish and caught up in yourself that you can’t even focus/

but at the end of the day you’ll look back and realize the fight would’ve been worth it/

the choices you make you gotta live with for eternity/

hope you realize exactly how long that’s gonna be/

and no matter how hard you try, you definitely gotta see/

that 1 on 1, chick can’t never be me/

everybody wants something til they gotta give it back/

then get mad cause you want them to carry the slack/

saying all the pretty words thinking that’s gonna make me come back/

but at the end, your game was never based on facts/

folks would rather argue and fuss with folks they can’t even trust/

instead of being with somebody who make the life be easy/

and makes the mentality of we, a must/

no sympathy for people who keep putting themselves in the mentality/

of continuing the cycle of insanity/

keep your business out the street and nobody will ever know/

all this posting on social media, that’s just for show/

understand that real change will always take time/

nowadays people will pick up a penny while dropping a dime/

life is hard enough for the sistas and brothas/

so why should we make it harder by not supporting one another/

if you the smartest person in the room you better change direction/

most folks don’t even wanna see their own reflection/

folks want immediate change but don’t want to put in the time/

everybody’s mentality is, I’m trying to get mine.

One of my friends posted an interesting post on Facebook the other day, she said what’s the pettiest breakup song? Which made me think of the last dude I talked to, who just honestly wasn’t emotionally ready for what I bring to the table and made the same dumb choice again in his actions that he had when we were younger (so does that mean folks don’t grow up? *shrug*). Anyway, I found it funny cause guys and girls were responding with some classics, and being the intensely musically inclined person that I am y’all know I had some input in this.  MY favorites?  Bitter by Chante Moore, Get Gone by Ideal, Used to Love you-by John Legend and I don’t f*ck with you- by Big Sean. But, for my last situationship, cause I don’t even know what to call that bullshit he ended up on, I would have to go with the big guns- Deuces remix by Chris Brown, Drake, Kanye, Andre 3000, TI, Fabolous and Rick Ross. In that song Kanye is Stacey, for his verse, just think that’s me rapping and change anything male to female, cause he saying what I wanna say with no deletions. Yeah, folks push you far enough, they’ll find out just how real you can get.  Enjoy my petty songs peeps 😉.

Deuces. 

In Search Of Peace: Reflections, Regrets and No to Do-Overs

In an effort to gain this peace I have been looking for, I’ve had to take a serious pause and take stock of some things. I’ve had to stop and realize exactly what has been affecting my peace both internally and externally and exactly what it is that I plan to do about it. I begin to reflect back on the first 37 years of my life and some of the decisions that I made, things I allowed, people I entertained and thoughts I had. I have a personal motto and goal of living life with no regrets but I haven’t quite achieved that fully yet because honestly, through my reflection, I have several. However, all of this meant that when I put my life under a microscope, some of the reasons why I haven’t been at peace were because of…me. Damn.

Reflections:

Maya Angelou is credited with the saying “When someone shows you who they are, believe them” and boy, I must admit I have not taken that to heart when there were some times that I clearly should have. Looking back, my constant willingness to give people the benefit of the doubt and 2^nd chances left me with the short end of the stick and my feelings hurt-that’s my fault. The signs were there, the folks showed me EXACTLY who they were (some folks more than once), I didn’t believe them. Lesson learned. It’s always easier to digest and see where you went wrong after the fact and when your feelings aren’t involved-this includes all levels, even friendships, professional relationships and family interactions. Not so much when you are in the thick of things. I also realized that I tend to react based on my emotions. Any emotion- anger, hurt, even so called love or infatuation. It’s kinda knee jerk, and since I’m not the most patient sista on the planet it’s probably gotten me into situations I didn’t need to be in and wouldn’t have been in if I had just taken a moment to step back, breathe, think about things and then respond. The days and nights of sadness, frustration, tears, stress- some of those could have been avoided (not all because some folks are just assholes who only care about themselves and give zero f*^ks about others feelings so I can’t take the blame for that), if maybe I didn’t respond immediately, or STOPPED responding to people period, but oh well, what can you do? Life has a way of smacking you upside the head with images or memes or people or songs or sermons or whatever that speak to you and where you are (funny how that works) and man if I haven’t gotten every flashing arrow, red light and neon sign about what I’ve been doing wrong or should have been paying attention to lately like these:

Regrets:

So back to the motto I try to live by now: “Living life with no regrets”, this is of course is looking forward because looking back, I have several. Regret is a deep and serious word.  Most people try to avoid this word at all costs because of the negative connotation that comes with it. I felt like I need to face them, own up to them and heal from them in order to move forward. The definition of regret is “1. a feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over something that has happened or been done.” Sheesh- like I said, I have several. Honestly, there are some people I regret meeting, like for real should have kept walking or ignored them or never continued the conversation or gone to that particular place that day regret meeting. Yup, Stace the sweetheart really regrets having some people come into her life. I don’t like having my time wasted and I definitely don’t like being ignored-those are 2 of the biggest things a person can do to piss me off. Remember my previous statement about me snapping based on emotion? 5 times out of 10 one of those 2 things were the reason, so yeah, several folks would’ve never existed in a (read: my) perfect world. There are some emails, texts, phone calls and social media messages I regret sending. There are definitely some conversations I regret having, places I regret going, things I regret doing, feelings I regret having and hardest to swallow of them all, decisions I regret making. On the flip side there are some things I regret NOT doing, things I regret NOT saying, trips I regret NOT taking-not as many as the ones I wish I could get rid of but enough. Like I said, that internal reflection is a Mutha! I know they say our experiences help shape us into who we are but if I could go back and change a few scenarios I would. Save myself a lot of anger, hurt, disappointment and heartache. Where’s that time traveling Delorean when you need it?

No To Do Overs:

You ever have a meal that was like the best ever at a restaurant and you wax on and on about this meal to everyone who will listen and feel like no other meal will ever match up to that meal and can’t wait to have that meal again? Then, when you finally get back to that restaurant and have that meal it is terrible and messes up your original memory of the first time you had the meal, which makes you even sadder because you had such a good meal the first time and hate that your memory is now forever tarnished and you now hate that meal? That was a crazy analogy I know, but it proves my point as to why I am saying no to do overs: Expectations-and what happens when they are not met. I have been a strong advocate for 2^nd chances, 2^nd tries, redo’s, restarts, whatever you want to call it, but after several times of giving folks that and ending up with the same result of BS, I’ve decided that sometimes we need to leave well enough alone. This is different from persistence or tenacity or drive to get something that you have to work hard for. This is about those things that you’ve tried that didn’t work and they didn’t work for a reason (whether you knew what that was or not). There are times that God will end something and we need to let that be it, the minute we try to go back and make it fit, it doesn’t. Sometimes we can end up worse off than before. He knows what he is doing and sometimes we need to take his NO as the help it is meant to be –leading us away from something that is not meant for us. Leading us to-you guessed it-Peace. I know I’ve been there when I didn’t feel right or settled with something or someone I know I shouldn’t have been dealing with in the first place. What is meant for me is for me and I won’t have to try to get it more than once. Period.

Thanks for continuing with me on this journey.

Peace. 

In Search Of Peace- Step 1: Acceptance

Mark 4:39 – And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was great calm.

2 Corinthians 13:11 – Finally, brethren, farewell. Be perfect, be of good comfort, be of one mind, live in peace; and the God of love and peace shall be with you.

I mentioned in my last couple posts that one of the key things that I’m fervently praying for is peace. Total and unmitigated peace. The peace that passes all understanding. Peace inside myself and around me externally. I’ve gotten pretty good at hiding my hurts and smiling and encouraging others-even when I’m totally struggling myself (see past post: Living behind the mask). However, I’ve come to realize that I’m tired, and it’s much harder to maintain peace for everyone else if I can’t even find it for myself. And that my friends was my first step-acceptance.  

I’m not perfect-far from it, but I had to be able to accept that everything that happens is not my fault and be okay with that. I have to be at peace with knowing that some things happen for a reason and to help us grow and learn, no matter how much it may hurt us at the time. I have to know that other people have to accept their own faults and issues and responsibility for how they treat me and I can’t internalize and harbor that anger and hurt because while they go on with their life, I’m left with the burden and heaviness and tears of carrying that guilt. Guilt which is not mine to carry. Now I will say I’m early in this peace game and I had my first test already that I had to really step back from myself on. I mean it’s crazy to know that there are people who will tell you they love you but apparently not really mean it because you find out that they do the exact same thing they did years ago-go back to a woman who they said they weren’t even in communication with anymore and who did them wrong previously when I had never done them wrong at all. I guess chicks who treat folks any old kind of way, bring drama and can’t give a person all that they SAY they want get more chances and love then a woman who genuinely loves and cares for them and can give them all that they want-who knew? Now the old Stacey immediately wanted to react and reach out in a petty way based on emotion-because I admit, I’ve been prone to do that in the past. But after my normal I need a moment, calming, “can you believe this sh#t”, phone call with my BFF, I took a minute to be hurt, woosahed the anger away, made peace with the fact that I have finally gotten the answer to my “what if” question from the past, realized nothing has really changed and sent my well wishes, genuine hope for the best and good luck with that to him into the atmosphere (cause we aren't talking). Peace is a helluva drug.

That picture above, yup that’s me☺. Earlier this month, I had the pleasure to head on over to the Hawaiian Islands to relax, regroup and watch one of my sorority sisters marry the love of her life. I also used it as the launching point on my journey towards genuine overall peace. Listen, the way to my heart is with a trip and if you really love me you will make sure that trip includes some form of water lol. As long as I’m on it, in it, by it or near it I’m good! Folks know I am a true water girl and as I floated in the Pacific looking up in the blue sky, I begin to realize that like an addict, my first step in the process would have to be my own acceptance of everything. The good, the bad and the ugly-even if that means facing my own ugly truths, faults and mistakes. It was almost as if one of the weights on my shoulder fell off right there-and I liked that feeling.

By nature, I’m sensitive, a romantic softy and emotional-but by life and experience I’m tough, independent and somewhat let things roll off my back. That’s a strong dichotomy that seems to constantly be at war within myself, but again it’s who I am and I have to accept that. But when you are searching for peace, you have to find a balance of the 2 to try to deal with life in the best way possible. I’m learning, but at least I’ve taken the first step.

Peace. 

When The Dreamer Stops Dreaming

Dreams. Many of us have them. They are what drive most of us to get out of bed, to push forward daily, drive us to do what we have to do in order to do what we want to do. Dreams keep us alive, keep us young, keep us from going insane. Dreams are at the very core of our being, especially mine-the biggest dreamer of them all, in color ☺. But what happens when the dreamer STOPS dreaming?

Some folks know, most don’t know, that I am an avid lover of poetry. I read it, I write it. I even started competing in it in High School and won money and trips to compete on a national stage I might add ☺. My favorites? Nikki Giovanni and Langston Hughes. My man Langston has a poem entitled “Harlem” that keeps running through my head, probably because of its first line (and ironically what most people think the name of the poem is):

“Harlem” By Langston Hughes

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up

Like a raisin in the sun?

Or fester like a sore-

And then run?

Does it stink like rotten meat?

Or crust and sugar over-

Like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags

Like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

That dream deferred part is the killer for me. It’s hard for me as a dreamer to keep having dreams that don’t seem to ever come true. I’m finding that maybe it would be easier and less disheartening to just stop dreaming. Now let me at least start off by saying that I’m not in no way, shape or form implying that I am not grateful for my blessings or that I have not gotten any of my dreams. I mean I am gainfully employed, financially stable, achieved receiving my MBA by 24, for the most part healthy, have some good people in my life and have been able to travel to more places and done some things that some folks I know can’t even imagine. But honestly, sometimes dreams have nothing to do with money, status or material things. The dreams I have for my life don’t really have anything to do so much with the external as with the internal. Right now I dream for peace within, that’s my most fervent prayer and what I’m striving for each day. I actually foolishly dreamed that I would meet the man of my dreams and get married and have a family-not looking good right now. I dreamed that I’d fully know and walk in my purpose, honestly no matter how much I pray about it-I still feel lost. I dreamed that by now I’d be in such a different place in most aspects of my life and I’m struggling to grasp how to deal with that. It’s almost like I have force myself to NOT think about those dreams because I don’t want to get depressed. I feel like I’m just existing and I don’t know how to get out.  Shoot I even was a crazy fool to think that I could have the fairytale dream where my first love and I could reconnect and fall back in love and have a happy ending (especially since I never really stopped loving him even though we hadn’t seen each other in YEARS-I’m a sap like that)-I was in, he said he was but I’m thinking he clearly wasn’t because it ended like it did the first time-where I gave 100% and he gave up-with no explanation, AGAIN. Now that one really hurt- both times, cause again, I’m a sap like that (oh, btw, my 2 Sides, Same Story writing partner and homeboy Marlon doesn’t know if yet, but there is another 2SSS blog coming about that ☺). Hold up, let’s pause there for a second-people, we grown, please for all of us, learn how to at least talk through situations. If it doesn’t work then fine, but disappearing acts with no conversation and/or closure is not the move in your 30’s (or 20’s or 40’s or 50’s-you get the point). But I digress, moving on.

I’m a multi-tasker, I’m actually very good at it, I can handle a lot of things at once, usually pretty efficiently, it’s one of my strengths. I don’t have to sacrifice everything else in life in order to try and achieve my dreams. I honestly believe that sometimes you actually NEED others to help you achieve your dreams, so you can’t only focus on one thing to the absolute exclusion of everything else because like that old scene in mahogany, “success is nothing if you have no one to share it with”. With that being said, how do you handle feeling like there is no one that cares about your dreams? Or that understands the pain you feel about them not coming true? There have been so many times when I have asked others about their dreams and they didn’t feel the need to even inquire about mine. Sometimes that has hurt me, other times it’s been to my benefit because as I stated, in my lost state I didn’t even know what to say- or how to say I don’t even want to dream anymore because I’m tired of being disappointed. 

I’m a Pisces-the full blown epitome of a dreamer lol, my imagination is off the charts. I can come up with the most ridiculous scenarios and scenes in my head. Perhaps it’s how I fell into poetry and now writing. I’m artistic and love things like music, plays, movies, painting (on canvas), acting, dancing-things that let me get away from the cares of this world. Also probably why I love to travel. If I’m honest with you and myself, I don’t know if I want to dream anymore but I’m even more scared about who I’ll be if I stop.

Peace. 

Déjà Vu...A Woman’s Worth

You ever feel like you are waking up in that movie groundhog’s day? You know, the one where the guy keeps living the same day over and over again and he can’t quite figure out why? Then, one of the days he gets a sudden light bulb that “hey, maybe I’m supposed to be learning something from this and should probably do some things differently today”. Once he does and learns his lesson he wakes up to a different day and all is well, credits roll, la di da, blah, blah, blah.

Well, sometimes life imitates art and God will keep putting stuff in front of you until you get it and take a different approach, or learn your lesson or learn to depend solely on him for the answer as opposed to trying to make something be what you WANT the answer to be. I have to admit I’m kinda sick of the situation he keeps putting me in. It’s hard. It’s sad. It’s hurtful. It’s draining. Most importantly, it’s starting to change who I am –which is not good. I can feel the inner beast rising up and looking to take over and that’s not my normal nature. I don’t want to walk around with a hard and bitter shell all the time because people don’t know how to appreciate the good person that I am. And I’m not just talking about male/female relationships either-I’m talking everybody-this can include homies, family members, work associates, Sorors, whomever. I mean listen, I’m not making this stuff up. Seriously, if I take the time to reach out and try to keep the communication tight, ask about your life or dreams or what’s going on, call you, email you, text you, try to visit you, come up with well thought out, meaningfully worded emails/texts/voicemails and you come back with punk ass one line responses hours later-or no response at all- how am I supposed to take that? If you want to get in your feelings and be hypocritical about how I’m not reaching out to you (which is a lie) but you aren’t reaching out to me then what am I supposed to think? When the ridiculousness of your thought process is proven by my stopping being the initiator of the contact and then we don’t communicate AT ALL anymore (because clearly you don’t care enough to- heaven forbid, reach out to me), then what am I supposed to think? The crazy part of all of this is-it didn’t used to be this way, which makes me wonder what changed? Was it me? Or was it you?

THIS IS A WORD HERE! 

All these examples mean I better learn my lesson and fast cause you know what?  PEOPLE. GOT. ME. FU@#$D. UP. Whew, I’m sure that is not the translation the Lord God Almighty would use but that’s essentially what it boils down to. I mean, how else would you explain my consistently coming across people who seem to want to take my sweet and caring nature for granted and who want to throw my love/friendship/loyalty back in my face or heaven forbid –be so selfish to only care about THEIR feelings, dreams and wants and give ZERO f#%$s about mine? Considering I keep running into that even from the absolute LAST guy on earth I expected to get that from, all I can come up with is that I handled it incorrectly previously (or perhaps am still handling it incorrectly) and need to redirect-so, roger that.

One of my male compadres that I work with (he’s like my big brother at work) asked me a very cogent question the other day- “what is that these people have over me that makes me hang on so long and that allows their actions to hurt me so much”? My answer was quick. I’m loyal. If I’m being honest with myself, I’m loyal to a fault, and it was at that moment that I had my light bulb-I realized that I had been giving someone else who was going through something the advice that I should have been giving my doggone self: 

MAN LISTEN..

My best friend had been told me that I’m too nice and give folks waaay too much leeway. She’s also pointed out some folks shenanigans early on before, but I let some people ride, cause, that’s me –ride or die Stace- and well, let’s just say that doesn’t always work in my favor, especially when it’s clear folks ain’t doing the same for me. It’s hard to fight for something when you’re the only one who cares if it succeeds. Can’t force someone to want something as much as you do so –I’ve slowly learned when to say OK and just let it be. Another homegirl recently said to me that we have to change our behavior before we see different results-amazing how God keeps putting big neon signs in my face. Sad part is all of this makes it just a little bit harder for the next person, but since I don’t believe in making people pay for others mistakes, I won’t become a totally shut down hard case who automatically assumes that a person has negative intentions. I’ll just be more cautious. Hello new day!

WE BOTH PREACHING! 

One thing I know for sure, is my worth. I know that if I am giving you 100%, I for damn sure expect 100% in return. I shouldn’t have to force you to see that I’m worth the time, attention, effort, money, feelings, love, sacrifice, WHATEVER-and I’m not going to. My value doesn’t decrease by your inability to see it. The right people come into your life and STAY, even when things are rough, even when you disagree. They don’t stop talking to you cause you don’t do things the way they want or when they want or because you say something they don’t like. They aren’t looking for something to be wrong. They take you for who you are and LOVE you anyway, because loyalty matters. Feelings matter. Life has a funny way of teaching us lessons whether we want to learn them or not-it’s up to us on how many times it takes us to get it before we can move on to the next. I think I finally got it, it took enough heartbreak and tears to finally just realize that as hard as it is, you can’t hold on to something that doesn’t want to be held on to and you gotta let it go. When it’s real, BOTH of you will fight for it, BOTH of you will want it, BOTH of you will not let petty issues get in the way and the communication will be solid. Strong foundations can’t be shaken and what you are built on can make or break you. Choose and build wisely.

Peace.

CHURCH. 

I wish it was OK to NOT be OK…A moment of transparency

In life, certain people have to always be the one who has it all together. The one who always gets the people together, the one who goes the extra mile to get the job done, the one who has to call first, text first, send a card first, say I love you first, the one who reaches out the helping hand, lends a shoulder, listens to the problems and issues and tries to correct it, the one who has to help support those they know and love mentally, physically, financially, spiritually, emotionally. We have to be strong when people hurt our feelings or disappoint us, or treat us like whatever we do is never gonna be enough, or make light of something we think is a big deal, or better yet-tell US how we should feel if we have a problem with something. As a side note, don’t tell me that I should get over something if it hurt me deeply and you have NEVER experienced it or walked a mile in my shoes. On the flip side, don’t make me feel like my problems aren’t as big or important as yours just because they aren’t the same. In either case I’m going to give you the biggest Maxine Waters side eye I can muster.

You got issues, I got issues, sometimes a person has more issues than others but the key is-I’m trying to help you deal with yours, are you trying to help me with mine?

 I’m guilty- I have a habit of saying “It’s OK or I’m OK” when often it’s so and I’m so NOT OK.

Life and society push the “you gotta be strong” and “you can’t show weakness or hurt or emotions” narrative so much that many of us just get so comfortable putting on the smiley face for everyone like nothing fazes us. We use this false strength as a shield of the utter disappointments and brokenness we feel inside. Worse yet, we often use this smile and nod face and “It’s/I’m Ok” statement to look out for OTHER folks feelings even when it’s clear they give zero fu#ks about ours. The kicker to all of this is that I’m a Pisces-I’m not super big on astrology, but to my understanding, our very nature is to be caring, creative, a dreamer and EMOTIONAL-I suppress those emotions in a lot of instances, be it the hurt and tears I keep back or the hurricane like anger I can unleash if pushed far enough..I keep it all inside. Because-other people’s feelings.

I don’t want to have to change who I am because of other people or because folks can’t handle their own bullshit. I don’t want to have to stop being the loving, caring, unselfish, comedic, friendly, intelligent, talented person God and my Momma made me to be because I can’t let other people see what the real deal is. Being everyone else’s strength is a heavy weight, nowadays I’m wondering if I have enough left to be my own.

I want it to be OK to NOT be OK. Cause honestly, sometimes I’m just not. I get my feelings hurt, I feel used, I get taken for granted, I offer 100% and get 50% in return and that shit HURTS…like it SUCKS! I need it to be OK to say that. I need it to be OK to cry and not feel bad that I am. They say what goes around comes around, well what about when you don’t send something around and it comes your way anyway like the examples below??

I said it was OK but I’m not OK about the fact that you come into town and can make time to see everyone else BUT me…even folks I remember you telling me you couldn’t stand at one point..

You want me to be OK with the fact that you travel all over the place at the drop of a hat and know I love to travel, but couldn’t take a trip with me? Even one that’s paid for by my company that I invited you on? Or that you said you had a ticket to come to town for an event and because you had an argument with a person who was NOT me, you’d rather waste money and not come than just come to see me (which you said you were doing anyway??) Nah-not Ok. I’m sure you’ve learned that by now by my non-reaction.

You want me to smile and nod that you still communicate with not one but TWO of your exes (circumstances mitigate the necessity for the 1^st, the 2^nd-nope) but if I so much as mention another dude name you lightweight in your feelings? I said I’m Ok-I’m not.

I said I was OK watching everyone around me get the things I’ve been wanting and dreaming about since High School...I’m not OK...it’s hard trying to always appear stronger than I feel. I’m genuinely happy for everyone and THEIR happiness but honestly, this point often makes me feel like somewhat of a failure. Why them and not me?

You want me to be OK with the fact that when we were together you acted like you didn’t have the time, and definitely didn’t put forth the effort I did, but as soon as you feel that I’ve moved on you want to come with the “heartfelt” declarations, quasi emotions and too late suggestions of a redo? NOT OK.

I should be OK that you threw money like rice with your exes but when it comes to me you want to be frugal/halfsies/dutch?  Not that I’m a gold digger but as if I don’t deserve the same level of care, attention and willingness to go above and beyond-All the NOPES that ever NOPED in NOPELAND- I’m NOT OK. That’s actually a slap in the face.

When is it ok to let the strength go? Can I just break down and not be looked at like a weakling- Like I can’t handle life? Like a human who has feelings and emotions and thoughts and a heart? Can it really be OK to NOT be OK?  The buildup and eventual spill over or explosion from taking everything everyone throws at me, holding it all in and not having a release could be detrimental to not just me but those around me…I just feel like there’s only so many punches and blows (definitely not literally, y’all know I don’t get down like that), disappointments, heartbreaks and points of being overlooked, underappreciated and taken for granted a person can take while trying to keep the façade of being OK up before it cracks-and falls to the ground.

I’m tired…and I need it to be OK to NOT be OK…

Peace.