In Search Of Peace: Reflections, Regrets and No to Do-Overs

In an effort to gain this peace I have been looking for, I’ve had to take a serious pause and take stock of some things. I’ve had to stop and realize exactly what has been affecting my peace both internally and externally and exactly what it is that I plan to do about it. I begin to reflect back on the first 37 years of my life and some of the decisions that I made, things I allowed, people I entertained and thoughts I had. I have a personal motto and goal of living life with no regrets but I haven’t quite achieved that fully yet because honestly, through my reflection, I have several. However, all of this meant that when I put my life under a microscope, some of the reasons why I haven’t been at peace were because of…me. Damn.

Reflections:

Maya Angelou is credited with the saying “When someone shows you who they are, believe them” and boy, I must admit I have not taken that to heart when there were some times that I clearly should have. Looking back, my constant willingness to give people the benefit of the doubt and 2^nd chances left me with the short end of the stick and my feelings hurt-that’s my fault. The signs were there, the folks showed me EXACTLY who they were (some folks more than once), I didn’t believe them. Lesson learned. It’s always easier to digest and see where you went wrong after the fact and when your feelings aren’t involved-this includes all levels, even friendships, professional relationships and family interactions. Not so much when you are in the thick of things. I also realized that I tend to react based on my emotions. Any emotion- anger, hurt, even so called love or infatuation. It’s kinda knee jerk, and since I’m not the most patient sista on the planet it’s probably gotten me into situations I didn’t need to be in and wouldn’t have been in if I had just taken a moment to step back, breathe, think about things and then respond. The days and nights of sadness, frustration, tears, stress- some of those could have been avoided (not all because some folks are just assholes who only care about themselves and give zero f*^ks about others feelings so I can’t take the blame for that), if maybe I didn’t respond immediately, or STOPPED responding to people period, but oh well, what can you do? Life has a way of smacking you upside the head with images or memes or people or songs or sermons or whatever that speak to you and where you are (funny how that works) and man if I haven’t gotten every flashing arrow, red light and neon sign about what I’ve been doing wrong or should have been paying attention to lately like these:

Regrets:

So back to the motto I try to live by now: “Living life with no regrets”, this is of course is looking forward because looking back, I have several. Regret is a deep and serious word.  Most people try to avoid this word at all costs because of the negative connotation that comes with it. I felt like I need to face them, own up to them and heal from them in order to move forward. The definition of regret is “1. a feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over something that has happened or been done.” Sheesh- like I said, I have several. Honestly, there are some people I regret meeting, like for real should have kept walking or ignored them or never continued the conversation or gone to that particular place that day regret meeting. Yup, Stace the sweetheart really regrets having some people come into her life. I don’t like having my time wasted and I definitely don’t like being ignored-those are 2 of the biggest things a person can do to piss me off. Remember my previous statement about me snapping based on emotion? 5 times out of 10 one of those 2 things were the reason, so yeah, several folks would’ve never existed in a (read: my) perfect world. There are some emails, texts, phone calls and social media messages I regret sending. There are definitely some conversations I regret having, places I regret going, things I regret doing, feelings I regret having and hardest to swallow of them all, decisions I regret making. On the flip side there are some things I regret NOT doing, things I regret NOT saying, trips I regret NOT taking-not as many as the ones I wish I could get rid of but enough. Like I said, that internal reflection is a Mutha! I know they say our experiences help shape us into who we are but if I could go back and change a few scenarios I would. Save myself a lot of anger, hurt, disappointment and heartache. Where’s that time traveling Delorean when you need it?

No To Do Overs:

You ever have a meal that was like the best ever at a restaurant and you wax on and on about this meal to everyone who will listen and feel like no other meal will ever match up to that meal and can’t wait to have that meal again? Then, when you finally get back to that restaurant and have that meal it is terrible and messes up your original memory of the first time you had the meal, which makes you even sadder because you had such a good meal the first time and hate that your memory is now forever tarnished and you now hate that meal? That was a crazy analogy I know, but it proves my point as to why I am saying no to do overs: Expectations-and what happens when they are not met. I have been a strong advocate for 2^nd chances, 2^nd tries, redo’s, restarts, whatever you want to call it, but after several times of giving folks that and ending up with the same result of BS, I’ve decided that sometimes we need to leave well enough alone. This is different from persistence or tenacity or drive to get something that you have to work hard for. This is about those things that you’ve tried that didn’t work and they didn’t work for a reason (whether you knew what that was or not). There are times that God will end something and we need to let that be it, the minute we try to go back and make it fit, it doesn’t. Sometimes we can end up worse off than before. He knows what he is doing and sometimes we need to take his NO as the help it is meant to be –leading us away from something that is not meant for us. Leading us to-you guessed it-Peace. I know I’ve been there when I didn’t feel right or settled with something or someone I know I shouldn’t have been dealing with in the first place. What is meant for me is for me and I won’t have to try to get it more than once. Period.

Thanks for continuing with me on this journey.

Peace.