In My Songs / My First Love?

It’s Throwback Thursday and I’m currently on my way to celebrate Homecoming on the highest of 7 hills in Tallahassee with my #FAMULY, so of course that got me to reminiscing. So 20 years ago, I graduated from high school and made my way to The Hill to begin my journey towards a career and being a better woman, daughter, sister, niece, student, friend, lover and overall person. This weekend, myself and others from the infamous freshman class of ’98 are coming together to celebrate our 20 year reunion of stepping foot on The Hill and man, did the memories start flooding back 😃.

Life is funny; it takes you on ups and downs, twists and turns, good times and bad. You meet and forget people, you love and you don’t, you meet lifelong friends and fall out with phonies. If you’ve been following my blog for a while - you should know by now that I am a BIG music lover. I use it as a calming mechanism and as a way to express my feelings. There are songs that take me back to certain people or times (more on that in a different post), and there are songs that take me to places that I want to be.  See when it comes to music, I do more than move to the beat. I actually listen to the words and feel what they are saying and how the music and vibe moves me. Well, Rene` and Angela (then remade by Avant and Keke Wyatt) and Anthony Hamilton, wrote songs about a first love. Those, along with my own thoughts, made me wonder if I had indeed had a first love or if I just WANTED who I thought was my first love to be my first love (that would be a 20 year killer) 😕. Maybe my first love was a person who came after, who still looks out for me and whom my Mom called her son-in-law back then, even though she hadn’t met him yet. Maybe it’s a dude I haven’t even met yet. I don’t know anymore. Honestly, my first love could be who I thought it was (cause I had some really great times and experiences and some really “are you serious?” whack ass times). I just have to deal with the fact that it wasn’t the fairytale I wanted it to be in my head (or what folks sing about), and some songs are just that - songs. What I do know is that what I had isn’t what’s in these songs you hear, or even what I hear about from friends and family who are happily in marriages and relationships. I mean, Gerald LeVert even had a song that said he wanted to find the kind of love he sang about in his songs. Such is life. Or at least, mine.

Beyond all that,  I go deeper and start to wonder if I’ve loved at all (but I know I have), or if anyone has ever really loved me (this one I’m not so sure about but I think I can safely say at least 1 or 2 have). I mean, I’ve had a lot of guys SAY they love me, but when it came down to the actions backing those words up, I think I would only believe about 10% of em – that’s sad. I truly believe when you love someone there are certain things you just won’t do (or say) because you care about that person and their feelings too much and have too much respect for them and your relationship, and there are some people who did them (or said them) – moving on *shrugs*.

These questions could all just be for naught and simply stem from residual feelings I have from the lack of true male love for the formative years of my life from the one person who was SUPPOSED to love me unconditionally and didn’t do what he was supposed to, my father. Those close to me know the history of that relationship and I’m not going to get all the way into that, but just know I didn’t recall hearing him actually say he loved me until I was in my 30’s. That was after we started working on repairing our, up to that point, peripheral relationship. Just know that I spent so much time with his younger brother when I was little that folks thought I was his child - reflect on that. I definitely appreciate my mother and my dad’s family for doing what they had to do when he was on his shenanigans. Things are much better now but scars fade, they don’t actually go away, that’s just my truth.

Yes, folks can decide to care about us or break our hearts. Yes, folks can be there when you need them or run when things get tough. Yes, folks can say one thing but do another. Ultimately, where I/we falter is when the expectation of love that we see for ourselves is not met and not discussed. Some folks don’t know how to love; some folks have shown they can’t love me how I need to be loved. Some folks have love with conditions. We all probably have our own view of what love looks like and we have to be comfortable enough with whomever we are dealing with to let them know what that is so there is no misconception or miscommunication. I’m sure you have heard of the 5 Love Languages, some of you, like me, may have taken the quick test to affirm/confirm what yours is. I knew going in what number 1 was going to be for me (and honestly 2 and 3 lol), just based on knowing myself and what makes me go. Plus, how I respond to certain scenarios. I knew that Quality Time was going to win hands down because some of my best moments have been just being with folks and experiencing things together, whether it was family, friends or a relationship.

There is a show on OWN called Black Love and if you have not seen season 1 or 2, PLEASE go and check it out. This show has gems dropped dang near every 5 minutes from real people in real relationships. Some you know (famously), some you don’t, but I believe in learning from those who already ARE where I’m trying to GET TO.

At the end of the day, I’ve come to the realization that my first love actually should’ve been ME. I have to love myself enough to help others love me best. I also have to love myself first and enough to walk away quicker when I see that someone is not loving me to the level that I deserve. We are oftentimes so scared to be alone or not wanting something to fail, that we will hold on to the little piece of love someone might show us, even if we know it’s not right, when there is someone else out there who would be willing to give us a whole, agape love. Your hands can’t accept a whole if you are still holding on to a piece. So, here’s to more of me loving me (and you loving you) because we're worth it.

Peace.