I've Been A Fool For You

They say hindsight is 20/20, but text/call history is the biggest freaking mirror of life, and it’s 1000/1000. Not sure if you utilize it or know about it, but you can search your text messages for a certain word and it will pull up all the messages and people who have that word in the text- it’s super helpful and quick and I use it all the time. Well, a couple weeks or so ago, I was looking for some specific information and couldn’t remember who/what/when it was texted so I did the search. While going through all the results to try to find what I was looking for, I came across a couple threads with exes and unfortunately went down the rabbit hole of looking through our entire history of text exchanges and realized something really disheartening that I had to admit to myself . I was a fool - and my momma didn’t raise no fool, so I was totally in my feelings and disappointed in myself. I’ve mentioned in a past blog about how my #1 pet peeve and what will piss me off like no other is being ignored - by anyone, male or female. I really don’t like for folks to not respond to my communication or if they finally do so, do it like 1-2 days later as if it really takes that much out of their lives to return calls or text messages. I don’t do that to people, I treat folks the way I would want to be treated and expect others to do the same. That was my first mistake. Expecting others to do what I would do. Well in looking through one text history in particular (and I went allll the way back to the beginning) I realized that over the course of years (yes, years smh), I set myself up to be disappointed because old boy showed me EARLY that he was on f*ckboi status and was the king of doing EXACTLY what I hate the most - not responding. I let being “in like” and infatuated cloud my judgment and not allow me to see what was actually happening. Now I will say we did talk on the phone or see each other sometimes in between these texts but the timelines didn’t always match up to the communication going out. I got even more in my feelings when I read some of the ones where I was expressing my feelings and got either no response or very little back - especially when talking in person or when we were spending time together was all on some lovey dovey shit (sometimes). He didn’t mean it- I’m convinced everything he said was what he thought I wanted to hear, because in looking back, his actions told me so - for YEARS. I was so mad at myself. It’s years later from the beginning and quite some time since our last communication but I felt STUPID. How could I let someone treat me the way he did while he claimed to like and/or love me? Why did I stay around so long? What the hell did I get out of that situation? The honest answers are I don’t know, I don’t know, NOTHING. The blessing in all of the hurt and disappointment that I ended up going through and where I have evolved to now, is that I adjusted myself (because that is the only person I can control) and am so much quicker to notice the changes or disparities in communication or lack of effort and remove myself from feeling like I am less than or not important to someone. I will fade to black on a person with the quickness and tell them why if things start getting one-sided. I will say that the 2nd thing that pisses me off is the whole ghosting thing, I appreciate folks more who can communicate their truth and if they don’t want to be bothered SAY SO. Additionally, while I won’t and don’t make another guy pay for past guys mistakes, I won’t let my feelings make me a fool again. I don’t think my heart has the strength to take it anymore and I have no desire to experience it. Lesson Learned. Peace.