Dear Mama

 

Mother’s Day is one of the hardest times of the year for me. I cry a lot around it, usually before, during and after. I just don’t let people see me do it. No, it’s not because my mother is no longer here – my homie “Shorty do wop”, Mom, Mommy, Mother, Ma, Mama, CFulg is still alive and kicking (and still owes me an Easter basket or won’t get a MD gift 😁, just kidding). It's because I'm not one. So, I just smile and celebrate those who are, like all the pics, send the gifts, cards, texts and phone calls and stay home versus going out to eat - praying I don't breakdown in front of anybody who may see me. 

I’ve never mentioned this burden or my tears to anyone (until today), not my mother, my best friends, my family, nobody. However, it’s become too heavy to carry and too hard to continue to bury under smiles and laughs. Honestly, I thought that by this age and point in my life I would have been a mother (multiple times if I had my wishes), and each year that goes by and that still isn’t the case, the weight of it gets heavier. It makes me wonder what is wrong with me, why can’t I have my dreams come true (and others can), why am I not good enough for someone to love enough to marry and start a family. THOSE thoughts, more than anything, are what weighs like an anchor around my neck and heart. I don’t even have godchildren and the thought that no matter how smart, funny, compassionate, God-fearing, ethical, responsible, hardworking, budget conscious or loving I am, all the people closest to me – friends/family, don’t think I’m worthy or good enough to step in and take care of those closest to them as if they were my own, should something happen to them, is basically the final dagger in my heart.

Now you have some people who may say “well why don’t you just have/adopt/artificially inseminate one”? I thought of that, even looked into all of those (including at one point having a backup plan with someone to have a baby if we didn’t have one by a certain age – he got married, so plan deleted 😞). While folks think it’s that easy, it’s not. It’s not as simple as saying it and snapping your fingers and bam – a child appears. No one who says that wants to get into the weeds about the cost, emotional, mental and physical issues that come with it or even usually have a full-blown conversation with me about why I feel the way I feel about wanting to have a child the old fashioned way, made out of love. That’s not to say I have closed off the options of adoption/AI/IVF/surrogacy. I just want to get to a place where someone loves me enough to want to do it naturally and take care of the child TOGETHER.  No one has asked about how I tried my best to make sure I broke the single parent household curse that seems to plague major parts of my family. No one has asked why I spent most of my adult life celibate because I was trying to be responsible and wait for the prince charming who was never coming. No one asks me about how my father not being around in my formative years and what that did to me mentally and emotionally (though we are in a great place now in my later years), has a significant effect on my thoughts about not being selfish with my own wants and raising a child without a father in the picture (like with adoption or AI). I know having a child has costs attached. I also know that it’s easier to budget for monthly costs or make arrangements that work than to have 10’s of thousands of dollars just sitting in an account that need to be paid at once for things like egg freezing, adoption and AI. I also know that my age puts me in a realm of impossibility (in the natural), but I believe in a God that works in the SUPERNATURAL. None of these things stop my feelings from being what they are, my current situation from being what it is, or my wants and dreams from being just as important to me. I know what comes with wanting to be a mother and hopefully one day I’ll have the ability to show the world (and those closest to me) that I will be damned good at it.

Peace.