Fairy Tales

I need an escape sometimes. I love to read, it’s one of my favorite ways to unwind and escape reality. Between reading, music and traveling most of my life revolves around one of the 3 when I have any free time (sometimes when I don’t really have free time but I make it work 😊). In my lifetime I have read thousands of books, there have even been times when I’ve read 1 in full in a day. I mostly read fiction (hence the escape part) and prefer action, suspense/thriller, mystery and my absolute favorite – romance.

As life has gone on, I think my love of romance novels has jaded my sense of love and expectations and set me up for failure. As crazy as it seems, I like to read these novels because I know they will have a happy ending. Something which has eluded me thus far.  I know that no matter how big of a fight the characters get in, how their story starts, how obstacles may get in the way of their love, how other folks (past or present) may try to intervene, distance, how life’s responsibilities will come up, how miscommunication and disagreements can derail the path to everlasting love they are on – the story will ultimately have a happy ending. That’s not always true in real life. I didn't say it was impossible to have a happy ending, I just gotta get out of the thought process that every situation I go into will. Will save a lot of disappointment and make me even more surprised when it happens. It’s no secret that I’m a ridiculously huge romantic. If folks are paying attention, they can see it in the music I listen to, the books I read, the movies I love, the blogs I write, the way I talk, the way I move, the wants I express, the fact that my top 2 love languages are quality time and physical touch. I think another big reason I love romance novels is because I transport myself into the story as the female character to, “in a fantasy”, live out all the things I actually want in real life. The everyday romantic gestures like flowers, meals with my man, date nights or being sent my favorite things by surprise. Being whisked away on domestic or international trips to experience new things and places, and of course, make love in beautiful settings (*close your eyes mom*). Having fun doing regular degular things like grabbing ice cream and walking in the park, going to the movies, doing anything competitive (sports, pool, bowling, mini golf, etc.). Grand gestures expressing feelings and love. Feeling like I’m the most beautiful person in the world in their eyes (and having them tell me). Dancing under the moonlight, getting glammed up for some fancy event and being showstoppers when we walk in together. Someone who can’t wait to talk to me or see me every day and does everything in their power to make that happen. The ease of the vibe, cuddling on the couch watching a movie or our favorite show, being told I’m a priority in their life and backing it up in how they treat me. Having the romantic proposal and beautiful wedding, and finally the family that we grow and love together. Ultimately, someone willing to fight for the love we have and who wants the happy ending just as bad as I do. However, as I said, life is not a fairytale and unfortunately when I put the book down reality comes back into play. Some of the things from the novels may be in play in my life but the full story has yet to be written and may not exactly look like what I’ve read. I have to be ok with that.

Anita Baker wrote a song that is the title of this blog (you can hear the song below), and the lyrics actually back up what I’m saying. Crazy how that works huh 😉? My mom loves AB so I definitely heard her songs growing up and it immediately came to mind when these feelings came to the forefront of my mind. Here is a snippet:

Fairy Tales – Anita Baker (1990)

I can remember stories, those things my mother said
She told me fairy tales, before I went to bed
She spoke of happy endings, then tucked me in real tight
She turned my night light on, and kissed my face good night
My mind would fill with visions, of perfect paradise
She told me everything, she said he'd be so nice
He'd ride up on his horse and, take me away one night
I'd be so happy with him, we'd ride clean out of sight
She never said that we would, curse, cry and scream and lie
She never said that maybe, someday he'd say goodbye

The story ends, as stories do
Reality steps into view
No longer living life in paradise - of fairy tales - uh
No, uh - huh - mmm - mmm

I know everyone has their own escapes, dreams, fantasies and desires and I hope they come true.

Peace.

Dear Mama

 

Mother’s Day is one of the hardest times of the year for me. I cry a lot around it, usually before, during and after. I just don’t let people see me do it. No, it’s not because my mother is no longer here – my homie “Shorty do wop”, Mom, Mommy, Mother, Ma, Mama, CFulg is still alive and kicking (and still owes me an Easter basket or won’t get a MD gift 😁, just kidding). It's because I'm not one. So, I just smile and celebrate those who are, like all the pics, send the gifts, cards, texts and phone calls and stay home versus going out to eat - praying I don't breakdown in front of anybody who may see me. 

I’ve never mentioned this burden or my tears to anyone (until today), not my mother, my best friends, my family, nobody. However, it’s become too heavy to carry and too hard to continue to bury under smiles and laughs. Honestly, I thought that by this age and point in my life I would have been a mother (multiple times if I had my wishes), and each year that goes by and that still isn’t the case, the weight of it gets heavier. It makes me wonder what is wrong with me, why can’t I have my dreams come true (and others can), why am I not good enough for someone to love enough to marry and start a family. THOSE thoughts, more than anything, are what weighs like an anchor around my neck and heart. I don’t even have godchildren and the thought that no matter how smart, funny, compassionate, God-fearing, ethical, responsible, hardworking, budget conscious or loving I am, all the people closest to me – friends/family, don’t think I’m worthy or good enough to step in and take care of those closest to them as if they were my own, should something happen to them, is basically the final dagger in my heart.

Now you have some people who may say “well why don’t you just have/adopt/artificially inseminate one”? I thought of that, even looked into all of those (including at one point having a backup plan with someone to have a baby if we didn’t have one by a certain age – he got married, so plan deleted 😞). While folks think it’s that easy, it’s not. It’s not as simple as saying it and snapping your fingers and bam – a child appears. No one who says that wants to get into the weeds about the cost, emotional, mental and physical issues that come with it or even usually have a full-blown conversation with me about why I feel the way I feel about wanting to have a child the old fashioned way, made out of love. That’s not to say I have closed off the options of adoption/AI/IVF/surrogacy. I just want to get to a place where someone loves me enough to want to do it naturally and take care of the child TOGETHER.  No one has asked about how I tried my best to make sure I broke the single parent household curse that seems to plague major parts of my family. No one has asked why I spent most of my adult life celibate because I was trying to be responsible and wait for the prince charming who was never coming. No one asks me about how my father not being around in my formative years and what that did to me mentally and emotionally (though we are in a great place now in my later years), has a significant effect on my thoughts about not being selfish with my own wants and raising a child without a father in the picture (like with adoption or AI). I know having a child has costs attached. I also know that it’s easier to budget for monthly costs or make arrangements that work than to have 10’s of thousands of dollars just sitting in an account that need to be paid at once for things like egg freezing, adoption and AI. I also know that my age puts me in a realm of impossibility (in the natural), but I believe in a God that works in the SUPERNATURAL. None of these things stop my feelings from being what they are, my current situation from being what it is, or my wants and dreams from being just as important to me. I know what comes with wanting to be a mother and hopefully one day I’ll have the ability to show the world (and those closest to me) that I will be damned good at it.

Peace.

Call My Name...

 

Aisha. Felder.

I started a new job on Monday at a company that I have been trying to get in for YEARS. You know the reason that I’m starting? Because Aisha said my name in a room/conversation that I was not in. Your network is definitely your net worth and NEVER let anyone tell you that the bonds built and life-long networking of a sorority are not important or effective. That’s how I met her, she is one of my sorority Big Sisters and I developed a strong enough relationship with her over the years that she still looks out for me (in life period if I’m being honest). You have no idea how much it means to me to have people in my life that not only look out for me in terms of my career needs, but actually are discerning in the types of positions they suggest and put me up for. Aisha didn’t send me a job to work at the local McDonalds, she made sure when she made suggestions or gave my name to someone, it was a job that was in line with my past experience and SALARY (that she never actually knew). She already has a job, but that didn’t make her stay quiet about my needs. She didn’t find out about the position and decide not to say anything or not tell me about it. She made a conscious effort to help and that is more valuable than anyone can ever know. There are some folks I’ve known for longer who didn’t or wouldn’t do that-smh.

The meme at the top of this blog is so true. We as a people need to be willing to go back to being a collective and stop thinking that helping someone else is in some way going to have a negative impact on us. There is always room for everyone to eat at the table. There are many people who have talents and skills that may be similar to ours and if we are already “on”, what’s the harm in putting someone else on too? I’m not saying everyone is qualified for everything, but sometimes you gotta have a conversation and see where people are and where they are trying to go – you can’t always make an assumption on if someone can handle what could possibly be a life changing opportunity. I have 2 current Real Estate clients because someone referred them to me – meaning, once again, *ding* they brought my name up in a conversation I wasn’t in. In all of these instances, the person bringing my name up is not necessarily getting anything for helping me (except for the good feeling inside), because that is not what is driving them to do it.  

For those who may not know, I was laid off in early 2019. I took some time not long after, to get licensed in Real Estate (which was always supposed to be 2^nd stream of income). I was asked to come back to my old company as a contractor in late 2019, then they ended that contract early in Jan 2020 because the workload went down. Then 2020, 2020’d ☹. That pandemic hit and everything was sent into a tailspin. Imagine already looking for a new job and then having something happen that all of a sudden, made a whole heck of a lot of other people also start looking at the same jobs you were. I was so discouraged and depressed from a professional and financial standpoint (and for other reasons but that is not what this blog is about 😊). Let me tell y’all something about the goodness of God and how he will show up from the most unexpected places. I keep a lot of stuff close to the vest and admittedly wear a “I’m cool mask” most of the time, even if I’m crying every day. I had people close to me who knew about my situation and sent me money (without my asking), I had folks who I didn’t even expect to do anything or even know about what was going on, send me money. I was able to get unemployment for an extended amount of time and more than usual because of COVID that was JUST ENOUGH to cover my bills. Oh, and the real kicker is, I got laid off 1 MONTH after buying my home. Yup, you read that right. 1 month and I was jobless, having to maintain a blessing I had wanted for YEARS. Because of COVID I was able to defer my student loans and get help with my mortgage so that I’m still in my house instead of on the streets. You can’t tell me there isn’t a God and that he doesn’t look out for me whether I deserve it or not. He may not come when you want him, but he’ll be there right on time. Dottie Peoples told us that.

Because of Aisha Felder, I started a job this past Monday. 5 weeks after my unemployment was exhausted and right before the help with my mortgage was ending. All because Aisha, called my name.

Thank you, Big Sis. I’m forever grateful.

Peace.

Love TKO

 

You know what’s worse than getting your feelings hurt? Not seeing it coming. Whether it is by a lover, a friend or a family member – the blindside hurt hits harder than seeing the ball coming for your face and at least getting the chance to duck. The sample of lyrics below and aptly, the name of this blog post, pretty much sums up where I am after a recent experience and it’s a sad realization.

Love TKO – Teddy Pendergrass

Lookin' back over my years
I guess, I've shedded some tears
Told myself time and time again
This time I'm gonna win

But another fight, things ain't right
I'm losin' again
Takes a fool to lose twice
And start all over again

Think I'd better let it go
Looks like another love T.K.O. (Oh, oh, oh)
Think I'd better let it go
What you think about it, girl (Let it go, baby, oh yeah)
Looks like another love T.K.O. (Mmm, mmm, mmm)

Many of you know I am the consummate romantic, I mean I love LOVE and the idea of love. Perhaps that is my biggest problem, and one I am intent on correcting. What do I mean by that? Well, I’m thinking that the love I seek and at this point, even the idea, is fleeting. With that revelation, it means my problem is that I believe in something that doesn’t exist, at least not for me. If I reflect enough and face some hard truths, it’s partially my fault for getting my feelings hurt because I keep going into situations at 100% and expecting the outcome to be different and in my favor. Can you imagine having to deal with the reality that no matter what you do, how dope you are, what you bring, how much you care, how pretty you are, how authentic your feelings and interactions, IT STILL WON’T BE ENOUGH (you can also reference my previous blog “You’re NotMy Kind Of Girl”)? There is the saying that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. My insanity is clearly set on my believing my expectations are reasonable and therefore will be met. I expect that people will give 100% the same as me, I expect that love has a possibility of happening, I expect that my clear communication of what I’m looking for will be believed and when it is agreed to, wouldn’t change, I expect that what I  bring to the table on all levels will be enough for a man to want to be with me and only me, I expect that another person wouldn’t even get the opportunity to take my place because they won’t be given the chance to, I expect that each time it will be “the one”. There seems to be something that I’m doing to keep attracting the same TYPE of men, and I haven’t quite figured out what that is, and that is frustrating as hell. I’m thinking it’s time to accept the reality that maybe the LOVE I keep seeking just isn’t in the cards for me. That’s a hard pill to swallow, but I’m not sure if I have it in me to keep getting the same outcome and my feelings crushed. One can only take so many punches before they fall down and eventually stay there. I may seem hardcore to some on the outside, but I’m soft as melted chocolate inside. Like Carl Thomas, I’m emotional (my music lovers will get that 😉).

One might say, Stace, isn’t it easier just to go into a situation and not give 100%? Give maybe 50% and have no expectations?  Maybe, but to that I say, would you get on a plane thinking it only had 50% chance to land and not expecting that the pilot knew what he was doing? Probably not, so what would be the point of the flight? Honestly, while this seems a bit drastic or maybe even an oversimplification, it’s not in my nature to not give everything I do 100%. I’d probably mess things up even worse trying to be something I’m not and still end up in the same place. Here, writing to relieve the pressure of my feelings and hoping that the next day they will eventually go away.

So, with no one to run to, I’m thinking it’s time to do like Teddy P says, and let it go. Cause I’m knocked to the floor with another Love TKO.

Peace.

I've Been A Fool For You

They say hindsight is 20/20, but text/call history is the biggest freaking mirror of life, and it’s 1000/1000. Not sure if you utilize it or know about it, but you can search your text messages for a certain word and it will pull up all the messages and people who have that word in the text- it’s super helpful and quick and I use it all the time. Well, a couple weeks or so ago, I was looking for some specific information and couldn’t remember who/what/when it was texted so I did the search. While going through all the results to try to find what I was looking for, I came across a couple threads with exes and unfortunately went down the rabbit hole of looking through our entire history of text exchanges and realized something really disheartening that I had to admit to myself . I was a fool - and my momma didn’t raise no fool, so I was totally in my feelings and disappointed in myself. I’ve mentioned in a past blog about how my #1 pet peeve and what will piss me off like no other is being ignored - by anyone, male or female. I really don’t like for folks to not respond to my communication or if they finally do so, do it like 1-2 days later as if it really takes that much out of their lives to return calls or text messages. I don’t do that to people, I treat folks the way I would want to be treated and expect others to do the same. That was my first mistake. Expecting others to do what I would do. Well in looking through one text history in particular (and I went allll the way back to the beginning) I realized that over the course of years (yes, years smh), I set myself up to be disappointed because old boy showed me EARLY that he was on f*ckboi status and was the king of doing EXACTLY what I hate the most - not responding. I let being “in like” and infatuated cloud my judgment and not allow me to see what was actually happening. Now I will say we did talk on the phone or see each other sometimes in between these texts but the timelines didn’t always match up to the communication going out. I got even more in my feelings when I read some of the ones where I was expressing my feelings and got either no response or very little back - especially when talking in person or when we were spending time together was all on some lovey dovey shit (sometimes). He didn’t mean it- I’m convinced everything he said was what he thought I wanted to hear, because in looking back, his actions told me so - for YEARS. I was so mad at myself. It’s years later from the beginning and quite some time since our last communication but I felt STUPID. How could I let someone treat me the way he did while he claimed to like and/or love me? Why did I stay around so long? What the hell did I get out of that situation? The honest answers are I don’t know, I don’t know, NOTHING. The blessing in all of the hurt and disappointment that I ended up going through and where I have evolved to now, is that I adjusted myself (because that is the only person I can control) and am so much quicker to notice the changes or disparities in communication or lack of effort and remove myself from feeling like I am less than or not important to someone. I will fade to black on a person with the quickness and tell them why if things start getting one-sided. I will say that the 2nd thing that pisses me off is the whole ghosting thing, I appreciate folks more who can communicate their truth and if they don’t want to be bothered SAY SO. Additionally, while I won’t and don’t make another guy pay for past guys mistakes, I won’t let my feelings make me a fool again. I don’t think my heart has the strength to take it anymore and I have no desire to experience it. Lesson Learned. Peace.