The Test in Testimony...

Psalm 30:1-5 King James Version (KJV)

1 I will extol thee, O Lord; for thou hast lifted me up, and hast not made my foes to rejoice over me.

2 O Lord my God, I cried unto thee, and thou hast healed me.

3 O Lord, thou hast brought up my soul from the grave: thou hast kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.

4 Sing unto the Lord, O ye saints of his, and give thanks at the remembrance of his holiness.

5 For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

I need to take a moment to go against my normal M.O. and be fully transparent here-As I reflect on the last year and a half of my life, the above bolded scripture just came to mind for me as the absolute best way to start this blog. Why? Because I have had so many nights (and days for that matter) of crying over the past year and a half that there is no other way to explain my feelings. A few of my past blogs gave brief glimpses into what I was going through because I use writing as a way to purge my feelings (See: I am Janay Rice...Sort of, Getting Back To Me and Can’t Force Them To See That You’re Worth It) but this is all encompassing. In all honesty I felt like everything was hitting me all at once, some of the stuff no one even knew about (until now)…it’s hard enough to deal with things one at a time but what do you do when you feel like the world is against you? Professional struggles, mental, emotional, physical and spiritual struggles, doubt in myself, my abilities, my looks and even my worth all had me, I believe, on the brink of depression (I don’t think I went all the way into it but I never saw anyone so who knows). However, I know that it has been the blessings and favor of God and him seeing fit to put my mother and certain other people in my life that sustained me for the past 18 months. None of the people I will mention ever do anything for praise or applause, but because they are just naturally good people and I can’t even begin to describe what they did for me individually (I don’t want to put all their business in the street) but sometimes people just go so far and above what they have to do that you have no choice but to publicly express your gratitude for them and let them know how much they are appreciated. The biggest blessing is that some of the people I will mention I actually met within the last 2 years (or less)! I think without certain people I may have very well fallen all the way into the depression I felt I was on the brink of. My mother said that God will sometimes put you in a position where you have to depend on no one else but him-I thought that was my 2 years in Los Angeles (cause I had separate issues with that), but I see I was totally wrong on that.

The Test:

362 days. That is how long I was out of work. For a person who has been working since I was 14, I’m sure I inherently tied some of my worth on the ability to financially take care of myself, and being the highly logical, organized, business minded person I am- not having the steady income I had used to carve a pretty decent way of life out of nearly made me crazy. In all honesty I was passed over for promotions I felt I should have gotten, I wasn’t all the way happy in my then position and I was already looking to make a move but I’m also a planner and a lay-off wasn’t in the plan. Especially, when some of the other positions I was interviewing for that I just knew I had in the bag (prior to the lay-off), ended up not panning out for one reason or another. I couldn’t understand how it was possible that a person with my education, background and skill set was not getting the jobs-even after making it to the final rounds in several of the companies and tons of call backs…but again, I am not all knowing and still don’t know what went on behind the scenes to make that happen.

I had internal battles with my worth and my self-esteem. I kept this one very close to the vest. Most folks know me as the tough girl who majority of the time is the shoulder for others, and can pretty much handle anything so something as girly and emotional as this I kept to myself.  Without me fully recognizing what was happening, one day I looked up and (even before the layoff happened) realized I was 40 pounds over what I weighed in High School. WTH! I carried it well so nobody said anything (that I know of-definitely not to my face), but I felt crazy cause that’s crazy lol. So on top of not being able to land the jobs I was going after I was also alone most of the time (no husband, boyfriend, dates). Not to be conceited or anything like that but I know I’m a pretty good catch. That’s just confidence. However, at the time that confidence was promptly thrown out the window. That’s not to say I didn’t meet any people or even go out with folks a few times but for the most part they didn’t work out or I was just ALONE. Everyone who really knows me knows I am all about being around people and my love language is Quality Time (Physical Touch and Gifts are tied for 2^nd J ). So to be going through all that I was going through without that much needed male shoulder to help strengthen me and let me know I was still beautiful inside and out was a big deal for me. Even now I kinda gotta wonder what the hell is going on in my relationship realm…you think you meet folks who will turn that around and they don’t. Some make it worse, others are there for a reason or a season, as far as I can tell I have yet to meet the lifetime one yet-or at the very least he hasn’t made his presence or intentions known. Oh well, I’m not chasing anybody so the right man will find me and do what it takes to keep me.

Sometimes my family can wear me out. Sometimes the drama, on both sides, was too much and I wanted to just remove myself from everyone. I was going through my own issues I just couldn’t take on anyone else’s burdens or deal with some of the shenanigans. I love my family and most of the time they mean well, but sometimes you don’t need everyone to have something to say about your situation if they aren’t doing anything to help you (even if you have for them in the past). I’m not saying they weren’t there for me but I gotta tell you, it was a lot going on during that time.  

Overall I was just in a bad place. I was sad, angry, depressed, emotional, depleted mentally. Yet I still had to put on the brave face and still care about others and make it seem like everything was cool, and I was fine. I wasn’t. I was crying all the time while I was alone (and I normally don’t cry a lot), I wondered if anybody would actually care if I wasn’t here, what was wrong with me, why I wasn’t good enough, all kind of crazy stuff...it was BAD.

I don’t know everything, but I do know my testimony…

The Testimony:

Not one shut off notice, day of homelessness, day of hunger, repossessed car, overdue bill, bounced check or major health crisis.  NOT.ONE.-that’s a shouting moment right there by itself *Baptist church organ music playing here*. Praise God! I still lived alone, drove my car, cooked my food, had all my utilities on, occasionally went out with my friends, volunteered in my cousin’s classroom and at the church, paid my tithes, even went on a couple journeys out of town. I got a severance and unemployment (another blessing) and while I may have had to go into my 401K and I may have more credit card debt then I used to (I had gotten it down to $0) the testimony is that I had a 401K and credit cards to use when necessary and I STILL have good credit.

My current position is a better title, at a bigger company, with better benefits and more money than my last job. Nothing else to be said-that statement says it all. Thank You Jesus!! Oh wait, I guess I can say something else because it’s key-the person who told me about the position (my current boss), is a person I worked with at my previous company who was impressed by the effort and hard work I showed while working on his business. Look at God...I can take no credit for that divine intervention but I am glad that even in the midst of feeling overlooked and taken for granted (at my previous employer) I still pushed and gave 100% no matter what, because you never know who is watching you and when it may come back for your benefit even if you can’t see it right then.

I have lost 20lbs so far. All things work together for the good of those who love God, and clearly my unplanned detour in my journey of life ended up working to my benefit health wise. So I was clearly stressed out and emotional BUT the time off gave me the kick I needed to get back on my cooking (because I’m pretty good at it) and workout regimen, which in turn helped me to start shedding the pounds that I didn’t pay attention to when I was so caught up with work and everything else. Sometimes God has to take everything out of your way to get you to pay attention…I got it. I’m still working to see if I can get rid of at least another 10 but I still think I’m looking pretty good J.

People (without me asking) sent me job postings (on the regular, that was NOT in their field so they did it on purpose), took me out on the town to get me out of the house (and paid for everything), gave me money (just on GP), offered to let me live with them (rent free) if I needed to, hooked me up with people they knew who may have positions available, gave me large appliances and helped me move them in my place, gave me electronics and other gifts, allowed me to use their Wi-Fi (for free) so I wouldn’t have that bill, bought me household goods or groceries if they were in town, traveled to see me so I wouldn’t be lonely, bought me books (because I love to read), sent me gift cards (just on GP), prayed for me (and had their family members pray for me as well-all of which I  didn’t know about while it was happening), bought tickets to events for me just so I could go, provided services at a discount (without me asking) and provided emotional and moral support. Listen…that list is so ridiculous and believe me the Lord knew just what I needed when I needed it. If ever there was a doubt in my mind while I was going through my storms about whether or not people loved, liked, cared about me-it was answered by the above. No lie, things like that brought me back around over time, because it showed that some folks (male and female) thought I was important. They empathized with where I was in my life and tried to help make it better. They provided encouragement, support, love, patience, understanding and an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, a place to escape to, a moment to feel good about myself. They provided what I needed. I cannot say enough Thanks to the people who unselfishly, consistently and repeatedly went WAY above and beyond what they had to do for me-some so unexpected I had to do double takes: Yolanda D, Liz J, Marline J, Tiffany M, Christi G, Roland P, Daniel S, Chris B, TaMyka J, Wendy S, Gayle D, Mommy, Mama Shelia & Pops, Toya & Rickey O, Aisha F, Toni W, Natalie R and Melanie M. There’s a saying that you really know who your friends are by who steps up when the chips are down and I don’t think I would have made it through without these people being there for me in whatever capacity. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! God Bless people with compassionate hearts.

I hope that my sharing of my story can be a blessing to others as much as it is a cleansing for me. I may not currently have everything I WANT but I for sure have everything I NEED, and that includes people in my life who are willing to be there for me through thick & thin, call me to make sure I’m okay, provide what they can when they can, pray with and for me and just overall be awesome people. You are the real MVP…I know you can’t have a testimony without a test, and that was a doozy for me, but I can only say that it was the grace of God that kept me and continues to each day…I’m so looking forward to all that will come in life as I continue to reach for my dreams.

Peace.