INTENTIONS < ACTIONS

So you may have seen me do some type of Facebook or Twitter post about the title to this post and I decided that it warranted some further explanation. For those who didn’t see what I originally said (because you may not be following @FromMySoapbox on Twitter-shame on you lol) I said: My friends and I were talking and one of them said Intentions are less than Actions. I agreed with that and said if you don’t plan on making an action, then don’t tell me your intention. There is nothing more annoying and in some cases heartbreaking than to have someone tell you their intentions and then not follow it up with an action to make that intention come true. In my opinion all that does is make you look flaky, untrustworthy, and not a man/woman of your word-in other words someone I really don’t need in my life. What makes a person want to say something they really won’t do or follow up on? Why get someone’s hopes up ahead of time or God forbid tell them something AFTER you haven’t done what you intended to do and when it’s no longer relevant? You need an example? Ok... ”I meant to call you”, “I meant to give you that money”, “I meant to take you out”, “I was planning on sending you flowers”, “I was gonna cook for you”, “I intended to follow up on that”, I intended to blah, blah, blah. How about some real world hypothetical’s-Scenario 1: A person you know calls you and tells you that they will be at a certain location at a certain time and asks you to join them. You agree and when you go to the place they are not there and didn’t tell you that the plans changed or that they would be there at a different time. The intent was to be there but they didn’t follow through on the action...thus they get the less than sign pasted on their forehead. Scenario 2: Person 1 says: “hey, when you get here I’m going to take you out to dinner and for a walk by the water” Person 2 says: “Great sounds like a good time, I’m looking forward to it so I’ll call you when I get there” fast forward to the time/date of the outing and then Person 1 not only doesn’t do what they said but then proceeds to tell person 2 that they “decided not to” but didn’t have anything to replace it…What in the H-E- double hockey sticks kind of sense does that make? Off rip you are whack for not following through and most importantly you probably won’t get another chance with the person you shafted in the process- there’s that less than sign on the forehead again. Now to be clear, there is a big difference in circumstances changing and you having to adapt and you just deciding not to do something with no regard to someone else’s time, energy and feelings. Don’t get me wrong, this is not just in male/female relationships; this can be in friendships, business relationships and the like. It all boils down to people needing not to be so boastful or so full of themselves that they end up looking like selfish buttholes in the end. It’s also about respect, I would rather you do whatever it is that you are going to do, then tell me you are going to do something and then not do it. I’m sure we have all heard the statement “The road to hell is paved with good intentions”. People like to believe more of what they see and less of what they hear, so you can talk about what you plan to do or want to do until you are blue in the face but until you actually show me that you are doing it, frankly I don’t believe you. I got another example for you-say you dang near give someone a roadmap on what would make you happy or have a good time and they say they understand but when it comes time to show and prove they let you down like an anvil falling off a cliff-while their intent may have been for you to have a good time, their actions speak otherwise because they did nothing that you like and only stuff that they like. All in all I think it’s important for people to realize that what you say is nowhere near as important or telling as what you do-don’t talk about it, be about it and if you are gonna talk about it then you definitely better be about it, and if you aren’t up on either then be gone.

Peace.

Can't Buy Love...

I admit, I am a hopeless, head over heals, in love with being in love, makes no sense romantic. I read romance books, I dream of romantic encounters, I’m a compassionate and loving girl and I’m generally a romantic type chick when it comes to any dude I’m dealing with. So I gotta tell you, if a man can match or even come close to the level of romance I have then he is top of the pack in my book. This got me to thinking that romance doesn’t always mean who has the most money or who buys the most expensive gifts. Not to say that sometimes money is not needed but you would be surprised how far a well thought out compliment, whispered word or creative way of expressing feelings can go. Let me give you an example-I was stuck in a seriously boring training and a guy sends me a text just to say hi...I let him know that I was stuck in a boring training and was desperately trying to stay awake and not 5 minutes passed before he had emailed me a poem called “Hot Butter Chocolate” that had me smiling from ear to ear for the next 2 hours (especially since most folks know that I am in fact, a chocolate girl)-That, my friends, is romance. Walks on the beach or anywhere hand in hand, picnics in the park, love letters (Thanks R.Kelly for the song), musical compilations, poems, cards, dancing, hugs/kisses, teaching me something, surprises, actions-all of those things take thought and effort and that’s really all romance is-effort. I’ve been more impressed by men who take the time to find out what really interests me and then act on it than by dudes who just drop money on meals or gifts (Side Note: Please don’t take this to mean that I don’t appreciate that as well, my momma ain’t raise no fool!), all I’m saying is that mixing it up sometimes is much appreciated and often reciprocated. Now one of my previous posts spoke to the art of courting which is along these same lines but some recent encounters really sparked my “romance” button-people who are not afraid to express how they feel and make their intentions known. I don’t know about you but I’m too old to still play games when it comes to relationships and dating so its refreshing to have someone tell you what they think when it relates to you. A friend of mine has a boyfriend who just so happened to hear her say in passing that she wanted a food scale for the kitchen and so she could measure what she was actually eating-she wasn’t asking him to get it, she was just talking as part of a conversation-a few days later it showed up at her house. No notice, no fanfare just something that showed he actually listened to her and wanted to make her happy. I’ve never seen someone so hype over a scale but it was about more than just the item, it was the thought that was behind it and his romantic cool points shot up the meter. Sometimes it’s just the simple things that get you head over heals in love with someone-phone calls to say you’re thinking about them, being more concerned about what they want than what you want, being willing to compromise or do something they want to do just so you can see them smile. Romance is a gesture and Love, Real Love, is a feeling and you can’t buy Love.

Choices and Time for Change..

I’m making another major move in my life and as I think about what my next step is and what I hope is to come, it has made me think about how we look at choices and changes. I’ve witnessed how some people try to make others pay for the choices they have made in their own lives..How is it that someone else should be held accountable for what YOU did or did not decide to do with your life? Or worse yet, how are you going to be mad about what someone else decided to do with theirs? Everyone has to make their own decisions and be able to live with the outcomes of those choices and the changes that could ultimately come as well. If I decide to move to a different location or start a business or broaden my horizons or get additional education or buy a house or fall in love and get married and you don’t, you can’t get mad at me…especially if you have the same opportunity and choose not to take it.  I can admit that I have been guilty of being envious of what others in my immediate circle have obtained or experienced before me but I didn’t begrudge them for that. As a true friend, family member, soror, etc it is my RESPONSIBILITY to be happy for those who are succeeding in life and lift them up and encourage them not break them down. Otherwise, I am not as true as what I am telling them I am. The outpouring of love and support I have gotten from those close to me as I make this next step in my career and life has been great and I wish that as a people we could always do that for each other. How often have we heard someone hate on what someone was doing before they even took the time to congratulate them for taking a step on faith or doing something positive or something they really wanted to do? I bet if you actually counted the number of occurrences in which this happened versus the immediate congratulation the number would be shocking!! When did we as a society become so negative against others doing well? The better question might be, when did we as the African American community become so jaded that we don’t even support one another in businesses or community activism? We sit and complain about how everyone else has a store or restaurant or business in our communities but we either don’t open them ourselves or when one is opened we find every reason in the book not to patronize it (they don’t have what the “other” store has, they “ghetto”, they prices are too high, etc)..Come on now, it’s time for us to be accountable for ourselves and our communities and stop making excuses. If you see something is not right, try to help the people out first by telling them what you think or about some bad experience instead of just talking about them and not even giving them a chance. Ask yourself, if you went to a mainstream store and got bad service or they didn’t have something would you stop going to that store forever? Probably not. Why would we give other people multiple times to treat us any kind of way and still take our money and barely give ourselves 1 time to earn our money? That seems a bit odd don’t you think? I’m from Michigan and I gotta tell you, the Arabs and Chaldeans in Dearborn got things on lock.  Why? Because they own everything there and BUY FROM EACH OTHER. Guess who we buy from in Detroit-Them. One would think that even before the mass exodus at the fall of the auto industry in a city that was majority Black that there would have been more Black Owned Businesses but ironically, I saw more places run by Asians, Arabs and Caucasians than Blacks. At some point we need to stop and look around and say enough is enough. We can’t be upset that other people are succeeding if we aren’t willing to make the choices and changes it takes to do the same. Think about this the next time you get ready to reach into your pocket and decide where to spend your money. We can’t expect others to help and respect us if we don’t help and respect ourselves. Just my two cents J

The Truth Shall Set You Free...

“Don’t Take My Kindness For Weakness”, “The Truth Shall Set You Free”, “There Is Nothing To Fear But Fear Itself”, “Don’t Push Me, Cause I’m Close To The Edge”, “Hindsight is 20/20”, true these are all popular quotes, but they also lately have become a soundtrack to my life. As I have looked back over my adult and actually even my teen years, I have noticed that I, being the lover and not fighter that I am, have let a lot of things go that really hurt me or pissed me off-or held on to the anger or hurt inside. That’s not a good thing. It can be very tiresome to have to day after day put on the mask of calm, composure and serenity when inside you feel anything but. Sooner or later if you continue to do that, the mask slips and some itty bitty little thing will tip the scale and cause you to blow..and for a girl who is slow to temper but a monster once it’s loose, that can be very, very dangerous. I’m not saying I’m the violent type ready with a .45 at my hip about to go Set If Off on fools (but I can scrap if I need to, however, I try not to let it get to that point), but like any other thing that has built up pressure behind the lid (think the BP gas leak in the gulf), once the cap is blown- it can be hell trying to put the top back on and stop the spill. So I have resolved that in 2012 I will stop that. I will stop allowing others feelings to take precedence over my own, if you treat me wrong you will know, if you say something out the way, you will know it. If you don’t treat me with the proper respect that I deserve you will just be cut out the circle. I think everyone should do things this way. This leads to more dialogue (in case something was misconstrued) and less wasting time on people who don’t truly have YOUR best interest at heart, even if you have THEIR best interest at heart. I can’t stand wishy-washy people, we are either cool or we’re not. Pick a side and stay with it, especially if I haven’t done anything to you. What good does it do you to constantly hang around someone who you are harboring ill feelings toward? I recently had to get something off my chest to an ex and his response? NOTHING. Why? Probably because he knew I was right. The problem in this situation is that I had held on to those feelings of hurt and anger for 11 years...11! That’s crazy. I blame myself, because while I had let him know how I felt about our situation right after it happened I don’t think he took my feelings seriously. I still don’t think he did this time but now I know that if he didn’t it may be time to let it go-and I mean everything, our so called “friendship” and all. Anyone who doesn’t even acknowledge how you feel doesn’t actually deserve any feelings. I was having a conversation with a male friend this past weekend and he said that each decade you mature to another level. I had a period of enlightenment with that statement because looking back to my early 20’s (20 to be exact) I think and look at things a lot differently now then I did then, so the way I see a situation now-totally different. The way I react, equally different. My ability to put up with unnecessary BS-diminishing by the minute. I would have to say that this is true for most people. As we get older we are supposed to get wiser and I would hope that with wisdom we also gain understanding. I think I am starting to understand myself better, how I react to people, what I’m looking for in life, what I expect from other people. It’s okay to look out for number 1 sometimes. What do you need to understand about yourself and your life?? Now might be the time to think about it and do something about it.


If you don’t mind, I would like to take a moment to just get some things out if for no other reason than to start with a clean mental and emotional slate and free myself so to speak so here goes:

• To the people who tried to take my kindness for a weakness whether mentally, emotionally or financially-you are ridiculous and need to get yourself together. I see through your game and trust me, it will never happen again.

• To the people who tried to make a major accomplishment in my life about them and didn’t want to celebrate with me because of some preconceived notion-that was selfish and hurtful.

• To the parent who was too selfish to be there for me when they were only about 45 minutes away but the rest of your family was there-that was irresponsible and hurtful and it’s kind of hard for me to just sweep all those years under the rug now after all the hard work has been done.

• To the people who I thought had my back and didn’t, I see you and now I know.

• To those who swear their life is so busy that they can’t even acknowledge or return correspondence (i.e. phone calls, texts, emails) but want you to jump when they need you-respect garners respect. Oh, and by the way, that dismissal is hurtful as well.

• To anyone I have ever expressed my thoughts and feelings with about something that happened and you didn’t feel the need to acknowledge and respond...it’s pretty much a wrap.

• To the people who have lied to me about a situation for their own benefit and I found out about it, I pray that you get your life right and don’t get hit by this little thing called KARMA.

The Death Of The Art Of Courting..(Someone Please Revive It!)

So call me old fashioned but I believe in the art of courting. Since some people seem to think that courting and dating are the same thing (they are not) allow me to share with you the actual definition of courting according to Merriam Webster:


Court:

1a : to seek to gain or achieve b (1) : allure, tempt (2) : to act so as to invite or provoke

2a : to seek the affections of; especially : to seek to win a pledge of marriage from

3a : to seek to attract (as by solicitous attention or offers of advantages) b : to seek an alliance with

Intransitive verb

1: to engage in social activities leading to engagement and marriage

Now with that being said, someone, anyone, please stop the ridiculously fast and unnecessary death of the art of courting. Courting doesn’t need to cost a lot of money; it just costs a lot of thought and effort. You can’t half ass courting because it doesn’t work and to be fair both people need to be involved. Too many women have become too accommodating to men who put forth absolutely no effort and get everything they want. Remember back when men came to pick you up from your house and actually came to the door and inside to wait for you? Now dudes beep the horn or call to let you know they are outside-unacceptable. What about dudes thinking that they no longer need to pay for dates? I mean after a while maybe you can switch every now and then depending on your situation with your girl but, to think you are not supposed to pay for anything, especially I in the beginning? Nuts. I also remember the days of talking on the phone for hours, falling asleep listening to each other, dancing to music, picnics at the park, candlelight dinners, walking hand in hand, men opening doors and pulling out chairs, women appreciating it all, ..ding ding COURTING! If you have a talent, use it to your advantage-sing me a song, draw me a picture, write me a poem, cook me a meal, teach me a different language, give me a massage, something. Let me know you are serious about what you are trying to accomplish. That would surely be reciprocated. That goes a lot farther then you dropping $400 at Mr. Chows on dinner. I still have poems, tapes, post cards, greeting cards, letters and other meaningful gifts from past dudes dating back to 7th grade that I thought were well thought out and meaningful. Why are women trying to become the aggressors? I want the man to be the man. I don’t want to be the man-therefore I am not about to chase you all around. The Bible says HE that findeth a wife, findeth a good thing. It does not say SHE that pushes up on all the dudes and acts a fool findeth a good thing. Let me just get my one of my pet peeves out of the way now because it is really bothering me: Texting. I HATE texting (and trust me I’m not the only female who feels this way). I mean it has its useful purposes-quick messages like “I’m on my way”, “Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you”, “I made it home safely”, “call you tomorrow”, “In a meeting”, etc. In no way, shape or form should texting be the main form of communication for someone who is trying to get to know someone else on a personal level (read: courting). If you want friend zone-okay, boo status-not okay. I mean seriously how much more impersonal can you get? Smoke Signals? I can not tell your tone in a text, I don’t know if you are smiling, or laughing, or serious, or lying, or whatever via text. When did we as a culture stop knowing how to use the telephone for actual calls? How about voicemail? Email? Greeting Cards? Personal visits?? I have what I like and what I don’t like when talking to a dude and how he acts and whether or not he will be right for me (as does everyone) and to keep everyone on an even playing field I will not give out all my secrets because I like for a man to actually come up with and learn stuff on his own, but I will give you all this freebie (since there may be some man reading this blog who someday wants to try to get at me :) ). IF the very FIRST form of communication that a man has with me after getting my number is a text or email message, he gets an immediate, unchallengeable, unequivocal, STRIKE ONE. Are you serious? That’s your first move? Where’s the trap door when you need one cause I’m pushing the button. I do believe that everyone deserves at least 2 chances in most situations and depending on how severe your first and or second infractions you may get to strike 3 but after that you’re out buddy. That’s not about texting that’s period, so if you start with a text/email it’s already not looking too good. Luckily there are some VERY good courters that I have encountered out there (ironically the best one so far was when I was 18..what is that about..that is so sad-I need these older dudes to step they game up) so I know that all is not lost BUT it seems that they have become the exception and not the rule.

Courting is flat lining and we need to revive it quickly…CLEAR!!

Fear Of Flying...

So a really close fried of mine, one of the best dudes I know, Ed Lee sent me a link on facebook for a Nina Simone song “Come Ye” and on the post he also had a motivation countdown tip for 2011: "The hero and the victim both possess the same fear, but the hero is one that ACTS in spite of fear" He who has no fear ....is truly free." In looking at this plus the YouTube video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AcCZ7WYlzbs (Nina mentions that No fear = Freedom) I was inspired to think of myself and the fears I have. More importantly, I commented to him that not only did I think back to what fears may have held me back from things in the past, but what uncovered or deep seated fears that I don’t even recognize are holding me back now (DEEP…I had to pat myself on the back for that one ).
Now if you ask my mother, I’m pretty fearless, I mean I don’t have some of the common fears like heights, water, dogs, etc. I think nothing of going wherever, doing anything (including riding a motorcycle, swimming in the middle of the ocean, flying all over the place, shooting a gun, thinking of applying to the FBI..). I don’t think I’ve ever actually shared most of my fears with anyone, and in doing that I hold a lot upon myself with no one to help me overcome them, which in itself is a whole nother entry, but for the most part, I have some pretty deep seated fears-fear of failure, fear of being destitute, fear of rejection, fear of being alone my whole life and growing old with no one (not even children)…I truly believe that some of these fears have kept me from moving forward in multiple avenues of my life whether I realized it at the time or not. Regardless to what we may believe, I’m sure that our past experiences whether good or bad, either decreases or increases our fears and thus impacts our actions moving forward but how long do we let those experiences cloud our judgment and keep us from jumping in the air to see if we can fly?

What exactly makes us fear flying? I’m not talking about in a literal sense but in a sense that if I take a step, in the dark, with no fear I may actually fly and soar higher than I expected? Are we more scared that we won’t make it or that we will? I gotta tell you, whether it’s a good or bad thing for me, I have so much passion in me about things that I truly want, that I take it really hard when things don’t work out (see fear of failure and rejection above). Let me give you an example, I mean on one hand I got it together, I have my award speeches ready (NAACP Image, Black Girls Rock, Essence, Trumpet, etc) lol, I have the passion for what I want to do and can relay that to others (Non-Profit for Inner City Youth from Single Parent Homes & Scholarship fund/program), I have the intelligence and probably all the connections (Thank You FAMU), but on the other hand I am stuck at the edge of the cliff of “should I do it/just do it” staring into nothingness wondering if I jump off will I plummet to the bottom like a concrete boulder or fly like an Eagle? FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN…there’s another one-we can never be truly free if we consistently fear the unknown, or don’t have the faith in whomever or whatever we believe in that they will guide us to where we need to be and when. I would love to experience total freedom, true unconditional earthly love and living life with absolutely no fear. I know that won’t necessarily be today but I’m tired of being afraid to fly in all aspects of my life. It’s time to leap and see how high I can go, what about you?

I'd really like to know your thoughts so please provide any comments or insights you may have...

Twitter: @FromMySoapBox