Love TKO

 

You know what’s worse than getting your feelings hurt? Not seeing it coming. Whether it is by a lover, a friend or a family member – the blindside hurt hits harder than seeing the ball coming for your face and at least getting the chance to duck. The sample of lyrics below and aptly, the name of this blog post, pretty much sums up where I am after a recent experience and it’s a sad realization.

Love TKO – Teddy Pendergrass

Lookin' back over my years
I guess, I've shedded some tears
Told myself time and time again
This time I'm gonna win

But another fight, things ain't right
I'm losin' again
Takes a fool to lose twice
And start all over again

Think I'd better let it go
Looks like another love T.K.O. (Oh, oh, oh)
Think I'd better let it go
What you think about it, girl (Let it go, baby, oh yeah)
Looks like another love T.K.O. (Mmm, mmm, mmm)

Many of you know I am the consummate romantic, I mean I love LOVE and the idea of love. Perhaps that is my biggest problem, and one I am intent on correcting. What do I mean by that? Well, I’m thinking that the love I seek and at this point, even the idea, is fleeting. With that revelation, it means my problem is that I believe in something that doesn’t exist, at least not for me. If I reflect enough and face some hard truths, it’s partially my fault for getting my feelings hurt because I keep going into situations at 100% and expecting the outcome to be different and in my favor. Can you imagine having to deal with the reality that no matter what you do, how dope you are, what you bring, how much you care, how pretty you are, how authentic your feelings and interactions, IT STILL WON’T BE ENOUGH (you can also reference my previous blog “You’re NotMy Kind Of Girl”)? There is the saying that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. My insanity is clearly set on my believing my expectations are reasonable and therefore will be met. I expect that people will give 100% the same as me, I expect that love has a possibility of happening, I expect that my clear communication of what I’m looking for will be believed and when it is agreed to, wouldn’t change, I expect that what I  bring to the table on all levels will be enough for a man to want to be with me and only me, I expect that another person wouldn’t even get the opportunity to take my place because they won’t be given the chance to, I expect that each time it will be “the one”. There seems to be something that I’m doing to keep attracting the same TYPE of men, and I haven’t quite figured out what that is, and that is frustrating as hell. I’m thinking it’s time to accept the reality that maybe the LOVE I keep seeking just isn’t in the cards for me. That’s a hard pill to swallow, but I’m not sure if I have it in me to keep getting the same outcome and my feelings crushed. One can only take so many punches before they fall down and eventually stay there. I may seem hardcore to some on the outside, but I’m soft as melted chocolate inside. Like Carl Thomas, I’m emotional (my music lovers will get that 😉).

One might say, Stace, isn’t it easier just to go into a situation and not give 100%? Give maybe 50% and have no expectations?  Maybe, but to that I say, would you get on a plane thinking it only had 50% chance to land and not expecting that the pilot knew what he was doing? Probably not, so what would be the point of the flight? Honestly, while this seems a bit drastic or maybe even an oversimplification, it’s not in my nature to not give everything I do 100%. I’d probably mess things up even worse trying to be something I’m not and still end up in the same place. Here, writing to relieve the pressure of my feelings and hoping that the next day they will eventually go away.

So, with no one to run to, I’m thinking it’s time to do like Teddy P says, and let it go. Cause I’m knocked to the floor with another Love TKO.

Peace.